Forgive and Love a Cheating Spouse
Posted: Thursday, October 05, 2006
by Angie Lewis
Heaven Ministries
Have you tried to forgive your spouse of adultery only to have it all come back to haunt you later? This happens because we have not forgiven in its completeness. Anyone can say they have forgiven, but what is your heart telling you?
Do you think it is the end of your marriage because your spouse had an affair? On the contrary it’s time to nurture, cultivate, and cherish the marriage even more. It is time to start plucking out the mischievous weeds to make room for the tender new shoots.
One of the most difficult aspects of forgiving is the ability to stop picturing the hurt in our mind. We may actually try and envision what it was like for our spouse while they were engaged in the sexual act with another person. We want to know if they enjoyed it or not. We want to know why they did it. We may even believe there is something wrong with us sexually. All of these things enter our mind even after we have forgiven, and they can literally tear us apart.
My motto has always been that we absolutely need to take care of our self first before we can take care of another. If we are all messed up inside, full of bitterness and resentment towards our unfaithful spouse, we certainly cannot forgive them. The same applies with love. Don’t we need to love ourselves first before we can love another?
So this brings me to detachment. We become healthy in mind by detaching with love. What’s that? As Jesus would say, “Turn the other cheek." We need to let it go! Letting emotional qualms trouble us will not help the forgiveness process. When we let the anger and bitterness go from within our inner being, we can start applying constructive ways to build back up the wounded marriage.
Detaching only means we are not going to allow the weakness of our spouse to CONTROL our mental and spiritual well-being. If we are still angry and bitter over their unfaithfulness, we invariably make their sin a part of who we are by obsessing over it every chance we get. Detaching gives us the freedom to forgive!
If we refuse to forgive our spouse we are missing the wonderful opportunity to experience the joys in forgiving and sharing that happiness with our spouse. The marriage will miss out on the growth process that takes place within its framework, and the couple’s own spiritual outlook on life. Marriage can remain stunted by not forgiving or it can grow out from the selfish aspect of each couple by forgiving completely.
No doubt, it is difficult to forgive when our spouse has had sex with someone else. But that's just it; we are flabbergasted that our spouse would err against the marriage in such a way. We feel duped, unloved, and deceived! We want restitution at all costs! For some of us that means divorce. This initial feeling, of course, is completely understandable. We have been hurt deeply by the unfaithfulness of our spouse and justify our own bad behavior by literally making ourselves the victim of our spouses err. But who really is the victim here?
In reality, we make our self the victim of our spouse’s weakness by obsessing over it and not forgiving. We do that to our self. No one does that for us. Divorce over unfaithfulness is totally unnecessary. Couples can work through this infidelity issue properly and grow from it to boot.
Did our spouse have an affair to do wrong purposely against the marriage? I don’t think so. Most of the time when a spouse is unfaithful it has nothing to do with the other spouse. The reasons behind unfaithfulness stem from the need for constant self-gratification, low self esteem, and lack of spiritual wisdom and knowledge.
Here’s how it works. First the idea to be unfaithful is imagined in the mind. Secondly it is mediated on with vivid scenes and great clarity. Thirdly, adultery somehow becomes justified because of wrong thinking, and cultural influences. Finally the act of adultery is actually carried out in the physical sense. Sometimes the guilty party feels remorse about defiling the marriage bed, and won’t do it again. No one finds out, case closed.
But sometimes-promiscuous acts continue, and that is because the adulterer has not humbled himself to God for the guidance he so very much needs to help him to turn away from tempting and enticing situations. Unfaithfulness in marriage is only a symptom of a greater problem. But so often when marriages break apart couples blame infidelity as the culprit, but it is not the real problem.
The real issue is most likely boredom, lack of respect and commitment for one another. But those are the main features God had designed especially for marriage! And since the culture of society has made it justifiable to sleep around from bed to bed, house to house, couples have decided to make themselves a part of that promiscuous world instead of God’s world. So in essence the real problem stems from lack of spiritual wisdom guiding couples in their faithless marriage!
Unfortunately, so many marriages of today deal with the issues of adultery. Culturally speaking, isn’t it a thing of normalcy for a spouse to be unfaithful in their marriage? No one gives a darn! But this kind of thinking is destroying lives. It is not normal to have sexual relations outside of marriage! It is very wrong and goes against all that God has created and planned for marriage! Adultery breaks the bonds of trust and respect for the person we married, and carries with it a heavy sword of sinful rebellion against what God has created.
You see, if we have not yet acknowledged the realm of God's world and are lacking in the knowledge of God's goodness, we, through our own understanding, allow our wayward thinking patterns to take charge. But what do we know? We know our negative feelings! That's what we know.
Our feelings tell us to be bitter because our spouse had sex with someone else. So what do we do? We become bitter! Our feelings tell us to stay resentful, and so we resent our spouse. Our feelings tell us the grass is greener over there on the other side of the fence. So we go to the other side. How can we forgive properly when our negative feelings our controlling us!
These unhealthy emotions make our attitude, and ultimately tell us how to view the world around us and how to live in the world.
A healthy spiritually minded person allows self to be directed by God’s insight where it looks beyond selfishness and into the loving person they were meant to be. We absolutely need to have the knowledge and wisdom of God within the framework of who we are, so we can understand how to respect and love our spouse properly. Why on earth would anyone want to continue carrying the mistakes of sinful weakness throughout the marriage?
Matthew 7:24-27 Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on a rock. The rain came down, the streams rose and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against the house, and it fell with a great crash.
Bottom line. The ability to forgive does not stand with us alone. We just do not have the complete understanding to actually forgive without ever bringing up the offense again to our spouse, and even to our self! What happens is we only forgive superficially, which keeps us feeling the burden of the hurt. But we don’t want this because here is what happens. If we only forgive superficially the offense will continually evade our heart and mind, consequently, bitter feelings take over and control what we do and how we behave.
Do you want to lash out in anger at your spouse? Then forgive superficially. Do you want to say hateful and mean things to the person you married? Forgive superficially. Do you want to respect and trust your spouse again? Then forgive completely.
Here is how you forgive. First, understand this: The Holy Spirit is our greatest blessing and gift from God that we, as His children receive when we share ourselves with Him. When we give up the selfish ego to God, He will in return gives us the gifts of how to love properly, how to hope, how to have faith with conviction, and how to forgive completely. When we act on His instructions we are allowing the power of the Holy Spirit to take over in our marriage and life and we are submitting to His will for us.
God is in control. Remember, we do not have the ability under our own understanding to forgive properly, to love completely, or to understand and utilize the blessed gifts of the Holy Spirit. We know that all these awesome gifts come from God. But that is all we know. Not until we put all of this into practice will it actually be real to us. We will not understand what it is that God wants for us, until we submit our sinful and selfish lives to Him.
We want it all. But to have it, we must experience God’s forgiveness for us first.
May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer-may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love. Why be captivated, my son, by an adulteress? Why embrace the bosom of another man’s wife? Proverbs 5:18-20
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For more information about Angie and Frank’s marriage ministry, go here. http://www.heavenministries.com/
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More commentswhat do you do if your spouse refuses to admit adultery? I am ready to forgive, but I feel he should own up to it first.Hi anonymous. You can say that again. If he is not going to own up to his sin, then what is there to forgive-or how can you forgive? He needs to repent and turn his life around for forgiveness from God. Are you absolutely sure he in fact committed adultery or are you only speculating? Perhaps, the reason he is not owning up to it is B/C it didn't happen. But if it has then you both need healing to forgive, trust, and love each other in the proper ways.Take care and God Bless!Angie
This helps a lot. It's so hard to do though. The girl my husband cheated on me with speaks ill of me everyday, I see her all the time because we live in such a small town and memories just haunt me. I'm so afraid of going through the pain again. I love my husband and he has done a lot to gain my trust, and has become a stronger christian..but I seem to be the one that holds us back sometimes. Memories are still there.
I have been married for 23 years and my husband has had 8 affairs that I know of - they were all confirmed by photos he took, people who told me, emails I found, phone bills, and women who constantly called my house. Oh, and there was the one girl who got pregnant and he paid for her abortion - I found the phone number and the 600.00 receipt for Planned Parenthood in his wallet - but he denied he knew anything about that. There have also been several affairs I think happened but I don't have concrete evidence of and some I'm sure I don't even know about. These affairs started in our first year of marriage and even after being caught my husband has never admitted to having any affairs - and has never uttered the words "I'm sorry" -he has told me it's all in my head before and he is totally unapproachable and angry if confronted about any of this. When he cheats I know right away now because he begins acting very differently - distant, almost weird, not nice, constantly texting, his habits change and it's all so noticeable. I try not to think about what he is doing and with who and I pray a lot and ask God to stay in our marriage and not give up on us but sometimes it seems like God is just laughing at me. Why in the world would this keep happening over and over and over? It is so painful to go through and it just wears you out. I feel tired, unhealthy, overwhelmed and lost most of the time - sometimes to the point that I can't concentrate and do what I need to do. I am a nurse and we have 2 teenage boys who I desperately don't want to know about their fathers infidelity. I am also scared that this behavior might be inherent somehow and really don't want them to grow up and act out like this. Sometimes, I hope they never get married so they won't ever have the chance of doing this to someone else. In Nov. my husband started another affair with a girl much younger than him that he is working with, they constantly text and call one another even though he sits across the office from her 8 hours a day and goes to the gym and to lunch with her. Needless to say he is emotionally and physically unavailable again to this family. Even after all these years and all I've been through, my emotions still run the gamut from anger to sadness to hopelessness. I don't understand and I am starting to question what is going to eventually happen to our marriage. I really do love my husband - the guy that I originally married. My husband is 53 and I am 49 so I certainly don't want to find myself alone and struggling to pay the bills. I have asked God to intervene every time and eventually the affair ends - which I usually take to mean God did help - but then my husband goes out and does it all over again. We have been a church going family for our entire marriage but often lately my husband has balked at going. At Christmas he told me he didn't want to go - plain and simple. This is such a bad role-model for my boys - teens are so impressionable. My husband by the way is a respected professional - a Leiutenant Colonel in the Army - A Medical Officer who has had some very prestigious and high profile jobs so he is educated and knows better and knows how to be an honorable man. What will it take to help him and this situation? Sometimes I pray that God will make something horrible happen to him so he will suffer and perhaps then he will review his life and his actions and realize how he has reneged on his commitments and promises and how much he has hurt me. I feel really guilty when I think like this, but short of having all of this come out publicaly somehow, which would mortify him, I don't know how to help him stop doing this and recommit himself as a husband and father. I have suggested counseling and there is absolutely no way he would ever go - he has told me - "your the one with the problem - you go." My heart tells me he is narcissistic and this will not change, but my faith tells me never to give up on my marriage. What should I do? Heartbroken in MarylandDear Heartbroken in Maryland,First of all, don’t blame yourself. Your husband has serious spiritual, emotional and sexual issues that are affecting him within. He desperately needs inner healing that only God can heal. Don’t feel like you have to be the one to do something because there is nothing you can do that will help your husbands sex addiction. He has to be willing to help himself, period!!In the mean time I suggest, that if you have a difficult time detaching from him, than you guys may need to separate from each other. If he is weakening your faith in God in any way then it is time to separate yourselves from each other. I do not advocate separation but in instances where a spouse may be undermining the faith of another because of their sinfulness, I very much do.You have no control over what your husband does, but you have control over what you do. I simply would not tolerate his sinful behavior and I would tell him so. If he doesn’t think he has a problem now he certainly will once you stop enabling his behavior. Your husband is in denial just like an alcoholic would be in denial about their drinking problem.The article above called “forgive and love” a cheating spouse is written for those spouses who are repentant of their infidelity and want to work on restoring the marriage. You should be reading some of my articles on sexual addiction. Your husband is very sick. The only way he is going to help himself is when he realizes what he is losing or what he has lost.Don’t hang around to continue allowing this sort of abuse, either he needs to leave the home for the spiritual welfare of his wife and sons or you will need to take the boys and leave. Don’t allow another minute of his sinful actions to take precedent in the home! I don’t care if he is an army doctor or the Queen of England. You need to take care of yourself and your sons. Stay focused on God and pray with your son for your husband and their dad. He really needs the prayer.Don’t worry, your sons will not be predisposed to being sex addicts if you teach them to respect a woman’s body and mind while they are still young and to not let them see the actions of their abusive, cheating dad. Explain to them that their dad is sick—spiritually sick!!The only way he will start to take responsibility for his sickness is when you take care of yourself. Email me again at Heaven Ministries—the web address is at the end of the article above.In Christ,Angie
this is the best article i have read since dealing with my husband's infidelity.i feelt deeply hurt by what he did.my husaband is in the military,for a year after we were married we lived in different states.although we had an apartment in the state he was stationed in.when i was 8 months pregnant i moved to the state he was in.i was happy to finally be with my husband.i was estatic when our daughter was born.on my birthday he gave me a computer only to find out he spends more time on it than i do.he has a profile on every dirty website on the internet,on line booty call,fling,adult friend finder,black planet you name it he has it.his private's exposed looking for single females in our area.it was on one of these sites he meet "jessica" and asked her to meet at the local red lobster and then they would proceed to the hotel.luckily jessica never showed up.but what i found out was even more shocking.while living apart my husband cheated with victoria.he told me it was only once but my gut told me more so i decided to give her a call. to my suprise not only did he sleep with her she slept in our bed,she cooked for him,introduced him to her family,took him to her mother's house and he even slept at her house.while in another state pregnant with edema in my feet my husband had nothing to do but slept around with no protection.two weeks before i came he told victoria his "baby's mother" coming to give birth soo she can no longer come over.to his day he keeps texting and calling her,he admitted on his last phone call he asked her if her new man can make her thighs quiver like he did.i wanted to kill him for telling me this b.s.he asked me to forgive him and make our marriage work but his actions speak differently from his words.he has never said sorry to me in an honest manner.most days i think he doesn't even care i am the only one hurting.he lied to me about alot things and told told me "the truth"a million times in a million differrent ways about his realtion with victoria. i don't trust him and most times i dispise him deeply for hurting me.i feel like a FOOL.i am lost and very afarid.afarid to give him another chance to hurt me again.i a have asked him to go to marriage concelling and find help for his porn addiction.he refused both.idon't know what the future holds for my daughter and i,but i think i am at the end of my rope.i know one day whilst he is at work i will walk out on him and NEVER LOOK BACK.i have learnt there is a time in life when you realize things will be the same,cause time is divided in two:the time before things happen and the time after things happen.
well explained. thank you very much.. what about the fear that the spouse will commit adultery again... how can I remove the fear? once i forgive and continue living with my spouse, i am afraid that he will commit the same mistake again and i will go through the same pains again.. i am afraid. i really am.
is anyone here today
presently my husband is so emotionally involved to a woman... which happens 6 years ago and it came back just recently upon the appearance of the woman... all those time my husband kept coming home to me... why... i love him but i dont want to tolerate what he is doing...Dear k,
You need to emotionally detach from what your husband is doing and start paying attention to your own emotional and spiritual wellbeing. What I mean is, take the focus off of him...take your husband off the pedestal and put God on the pedestal instead because your husband does not deserve all the attention.
It certainly is not right what your husband is doing but do not allow it to undermine your own faith in God. You can let your husband know that you disagree with his lifestyle and you are praying for him but unfortunately, we can't stop someone from sinning. They have to be willing to "see" what they are doing is wrong and change that lifestyle for themselves. Come and visit our marriage ministry where you will find a ton of information to help you emotionally detach and deal with an unfaithful spouse.
Blessings,
Angie
Heaven Ministries
this great stuff
Wow...I am so glad I read this article...it helped me a lot. I been married for four years now and just had a daughter. My husband cheated on me first two years sexually (in a relationship) with other girls...I am not sure with how many girls but two ongoing and two while he was deployed to Afghanstan...for forsure... since I had prove that he cheated. Then it stoped after we moved to different state but he had flings afterwards here and there at his work and where he played soccer... those I was able to stop since I kept close eyes on him and we both got lot of spritual help. I checked his email and phone all this time. But now he is deployed and changed his passwords...I didn't care since I was pregnant and with herpes (thanks to him) so I wanted to take it easy. Now I ask for his passwords and stuff...he don't give it to me he says hez changed and won't give it to me. He says he is different now.
The reason our marriage worked was becasue we both wanted it to work. We almost got divorce into second year of marriage but he made false promises at the time and things worked out for the better. He has matured a lot since but I still don't trust him....and I can never (i think). I care about him a lot but I am not able to say 'I love you' to him since i had told him that if he cheats on me I won't love him any more and he did cheated but I ended up still loving him. But those words don't comeout of my mouth and he knows it and he is okay with it and says that I don't have to say it he can feel with my actions and face.
Can I be normal again. I have moved on from all the things that had happned to me. I have forgiven but I am smart now and know how to handle lot of things in which i was naive before.
But now some triggers bring those memories back to my mind and I hate him in the moment. And I can't trust him he is deployed again and I don't have is passwords just the thought that he might be sleeping around like before is killing me. I have openly shared with him what I was feeling he says I just have to believe him and nathing more to it.
So how can I trust him again. How can I know forsure he has changed since he away now.
I am trying to figure out how to forgive my wife she has had two affairs that I know of. The first one was while I was out of state for Army training the second one I was at home when she left to go cheat. The second guy the sexual text messages and pictures went on for over a year. She says the reason was because I acted differently once I returned from Iraq I probbly did I lost some friends one to suicide because of an unfaithful spouse. So yes I had a lot on my mind and she can't understand that so she cheats so I how do I forgive that. I had suspicion and asked her and she said she had never cheated. The only reason I found out is because I looked in her phone and seen the messages. How can I trust her she has lied so much? I won't to make it work if I can truly fell that she is sorry and that it will never happen again. But I don't know if I cab so far I haven't been able to.
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