Do You Love an Alcoholic? – Stop Rescuing and Enabling (Part 1)
Posted: Monday, January 15, 2007
by Angie Lewis
Heaven Ministries
Do you love an alcoholic? How can you live with an alcoholic and love them at the same time? Very carefully. It’s true, it is very difficult to live with an alcoholic, but people do it all the time. Alcohol controls the mind and spirit of a person, so in affect as long as the alcoholic is drinking you will not get much love in return. Being married to an alcoholic is not a reason for divorce. It is reason for helping your loved one with the disease. Alcohol addiction is called the insidious disease for a reason. It breaks up homes, kills lives, and keeps them from discovering the Creator. Can it get anymore insidious than that?
The person behind the destruction and deception of alcohol is a totally different person when they have been sober for six months. A sober alcoholic can be a very loving and spiritual human being who is able to discern right from wrong and able to live a happy and abundant life. As long as the alcoholic remains drinking, his true character remains hidden from others, and will be under the control of the drink in every aspect of his life.
What can you do for the alcoholic in your life? The first step in helping them is to first help yourself. Become knowledgeable about the disease. Once you realize the impact of how your actions may be affecting the alcoholic in your life, you can detach properly from their destructive behavior. Detaching can be difficult to do but if you love the alcoholic and want to be supportive, detaching with love is the way to go.
Are you enabling your loved one to drink? Are you rescuing them from their problems and responsibilities? Ask yourself these questions to find out?
Am I doing anything that would enable the alcoholic to drink?
Am I doing anything that would facilitate the alcoholic’s behavior?
Am I doing anything that would rescue the alcoholic from his problems?
Am I getting driven into the disease with the alcoholic?
The only way to truly be supportive is don’t rescue, don’t enable, and don’t allow yourself to get driven into the disease with them. Here are some of the ways you enable the alcoholic.
You enable when you take up the slack for the alcoholic by doing their chores, duties and responsibilities. You enable when you give the alcoholic money or buy them booze.
You enable when you drink with them, or when you do anything to help the alcoholic to continue to live his alcoholic lifestyle and not realize that he has a drinking problem. If you do everything for him, how will he know?
Here are some of the ways you would rescue the alcoholic? You rescue when you sweep the alcoholic’s messes under the rug. The alcoholic NEEDS to be responsible for his own mess. You rescue when you lie for them. You rescue when you bail them out of jail or pay court fees for them.
Understand that the enabler/rescuer, which is you, help the alcoholic to continue drinking when you unintentionally become entangled within the deception of the disease with them. Remember, alcoholism is an insidious disease, and it will trap you in its grip if you allow it to. Don’t allow this to happen, or there will be no hope in the alcoholic to ever stop drinking.
How would you become driven into the disease with the alcoholic? By trying to control the alcoholic and how and when he drinks. By threatening the alcoholic with angry words and name calling, you are driving yourself into alcoholism. Don’t fuss, fight, argue, plead or try to control the alcoholic – it won’t work!
When the alcoholic spouse tells you they are sorry for anything bad they did against the marriage or you, they probably are really sorry, but that does not mean that it won’t happen again. An alcoholic can’t control their actions once they start drinking. The drinking is what makes them out of control and under the enslavement of the disease.
There is great hope for the alcoholic in your life, if you take care of yourself first, by not enabling, rescuing or getting driven into the disease. Once you are aware of what you should and should not do, you will be free to set boundaries for yourself in the home. An alcoholic will not abide by any boundaries, so it would be fruitless to try. You are setting boundaries for your own spiritual, mental, and emotional well-being, not the alcoholic’s. See part 2 on setting boundaries for you.
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More commentsI'm an alcoholic who has lived with other alcoholics while I myself was drunk, and also while I myself was sober. Tricky either way. You post excellent advice.Thank you, we have a lot more information where that came from. Come and visit us at Heaven Ministries for more encouragement and support for alcoholics and loved ones of alcoholics.
Blessings,
Angie
Thanks for writing this article - you have it dead on because so many of us DO enable and scold when we shouldn't.
I appreciate that your solution isn't just to get rid of the alcoholic - which is sometimes the right thing to do but I really love my boyfriend and when he is sober he's 100 perfect for me.
He accepts he has a drinking problem but thinks he is a 'lost cause' - I am in AA and he will come with me and then just sit there and be rude about everyone else. It's very sad.
I used to let him drink in the house because I knew he was safe but I realize that if he's going to kill himself I can't obsess over controlling that.
In fact knowing that he can only see me when he is sober is much greater motivation than me sitting and yelling at him while he drinks.
Don't think you can generalise really. My partner is a chronic alcoholic and I have learned so much about this devastating affliction over the past 20 years. With a lot of work he has been abstinent for the past four years with the odd binge. We have achieved much but that is largely in spite of the prejudice by ignorant people. Worst offenders health and social services.
I fell in love at first sight! He was complete sunshine in my life. I have been waiting to meet him for years. It was a whirlwind romance. After a week this commitment phobic asked him to move in. I couldn't imagine a day without his sunshine in my life again. Two weeks later we were talking marriage. His family had never saw him so happy, mine either for that matter. It was great for another week than I discovers hidden empty whiskey bottles. He lied and said that they must have been from before he moved in. Since I had never saw him drunk I sat him down and told him that I would not be able to stay with him if it was a problem. He lied assured me that now that I was in his life he would never need to drink like that. I went through this 2 more times. Each time he would assure me that he just drank sometimes to go to sleep. We ended up having to sleep in different rooms because his drinking would cause him to have sleep apnea. I warned him each time that there would be a consequence. But he could win my heart back. I would try again believing that he loved me enough to stop. Yes...while cleaning I found more empty bottles. I ended up asking him to leave. I just couldn't keep going through the ups and downs. I loved him but I no longer believed anything he told me. How someone could lie to me while holding me after hurting me was unbelievable!!! When I moved him out I found empty bottles hidden everywhere. My GOD that was painful. My heart was was broken. He begged me back and for a while I thought giving him a ramification would work. We were off and on for a couple weeks. Then I read this site. All the sudden my man was not this special man anymore. He was a typical alcoholic! I broke up with him on Saturday. I cannot go back. I cannot let his disease derail my life anymore. He will never stop. He doesn't want it for himself. I am the only one that can make me happy. I am the one responsible for my happiness. I deserve more than a life a pain and lies. Thank you...you saved me from a life of pain. I will miss him everyday. I will love him but I will not let him hurt me anymore. Every time I miss him or get weak I will turn to this site read all of your stories and choose a different future for myself. If I could have one Christmas wish it would be for him to be heeled and for him free from anxiety. GOD bless his struggle he has a long road ahead.
I met to say healed LOL....Night and may you and your struggles be guided by the love you deserve!
how are you gettin on? How did you cope?. I love my boyfriend so so much i know now i have to let him go, to save myself. I can't help him no more i tried my best. But i know i will have problems with him asking him to leave..
hi just found this sight, i have had a row with my boyfriend of two and a half yrs. He is a alcoholic. My boyfriend is the nicest guy you could even meet when sober. But turns nasty when his had a drink. I keep telling him it.s over when he has a drink. He begs pleds promises me under the sun he will stop. He may go few day without but then sneaks it here and there. He drinks neat vodka.he hides it all over the place or has it on his way home from work. I do not know what to do. I love him so much, he says he loves of to. But i am not so sure anymore.plus he used to creep out of bed early hours to watch porn while i slept. I have asked him to go many occasions but he either black mails me or gives me i long speech on how he will stop and change and show me more love affection. When we first met he was all over me. I loved the attention he gave me. But that soon wore off when i discovered he was an addict. And it.s been hurdle after hurdle. Nothing seems to ever change in spite of all his promises. Today i woke up and told myself i'd had enough. I want out. But he wont leave, he either gets abusive or begs my forgiveness. Please how do i get him out my life so he stays out and leaves me to get on with my own life. He is bringing me down. I am not sleeping well.i am so depressed and lost myself. Where do i go from here.i dont understand this addiction.did he ever love me?.Hi Karen, It is hard to live with an addict and hard to live without them. I can't say whether he loved you or not. My guess is...he probably did and does love you as much as he can love anyone. He doesn't love himself. He is in destruction mode. But only he can make a recovery...only if he wants to. The work is for him. No one can do it but him. But if you so chose to you can help with recovery by standing by him and supporting his efforts. But ultimately he has to take the steps to change and become healthier. You health and happiness has been compromised by his drinking. First you have to love yourself enough and take care of you. My hardest lesson when living with an alcoholic was...don't enable. I gave in rather than fight. I lost myself...I did nothing but take care of him and his addiction. Everyone deserves happiness and a healthy life. He is not thinking of anything or anyone except the alcohol. He may be a good person but he has made some wrong choices which affect both your lives. It is hard to leave but it is also hard to stay in an abusive relationship whether it is verbal, emotional, physical, etc. I've been through all that and still doubt myself at times. But as individuals we all deserve the best that life has to offer. Love yourself first. Actions speak louder than words. If he hasn't changed his ways in 2 and 1/2 years he may never change. But are you willing to live like this? Put yourself first and some day the right person for you will put you first. Remember, three R's - Respect, Restraint and Responsibility. Love yourself. Take care. :-)
Oh Karen....don't walk......run. I have been married to an alcoholic for 30 years and I can't see a way out now. He has brought me so far down. I suffer from depression and agarophobia and I can see now that he has nibbled away at my self confidence over the years forever telling me thatI am fat (I'm a size 10), useless, lazy, ugly, old, lazy etc. I used to think he was a great guy when he was sober but looking back he was still taking away any self confidence I ever had with his comments and he was even worse when drunk. Get out now while you're still young. I wish I had. I don't honestly think my husband ever loved me he just saw a young vuleneranable girl all these years ago and thought it was his ticket to a life of being cared for by someone he could bully/shape into his way of thinking. No I don't understand alcoholics behaviour either despite reading loads of books about the subject. I am scared to leave. The house is in husbands name so I would walk away with nothing and because I am so scared to leave the house I am stuck. I have wasted my life on an alcoholic. Please think hard about what you want from your future because life with an alcoholic is almost impossible.
Hi everyone! I have been in love with an alcoholic for 14 years. When we first met I didn't realise he had a drinking problem. We were together for a short time back then and parted due to circumstances. Twelve years later we reconnected and moved in together. In a short time his teenager daughter came to live with us. Problems started to affect our relationship. And his drinking increased. I had the faith that things would get better. But after two years we parted. We tried to make it work so we could get back together. I was doing the work. He went to two AA meetings and then quit. He went to counselling for a few times and quit. I stood by and watched him destroying his life, my life and his children's lives. Finally I just gave up. Enough was enough. I tried to move forward. Dated a man for a couple of months. But it didn't feel right. My heart belonged to the man I loved for so long. I have been struggling with the fact that I love him and want him but I know he isn't a healthy choice for me. He tells me he wants me back...but in reality he hasn't gotten help for his addiction. He's not being honest with himself. Is there hope? Can I ever trust him again? How do I know if he's just playing me for a fool? We don't live together but we do live in the same small town. How do I move forward? I have become stronger than before. I have stood my ground and made the choice to stay alone. But I would like to have a healthy relationship with a good man. I feel I failed our relationship even though I have done everything humanly possible. I don't want to spend any more time and energy on this situation. I deserve a better life but I don't know how to get there. Thank you for sharing everyone. :-)
I'm not sure how you all found your way to this page. For me, it was Googling the phrase, "how to stop rescuing an alcoholic." That about sums up my struggle and Colleen, (I see you are new to post as well), I 100% relate to you. I am still in love with my ex, who I was with for seven years, and it feels extremely weird being with another. I've started to date but it almost makes me more depressed because when my ex was sober, I felt he was perfect for me. In my head, that is how I perceived him at least. Maybe he really wasn't perfect for me. Maybe I just got confused by all the lies I was telling others, him and myself. I don't know. But the feelings are still very real. They were just perhaps built upon my own dreams and interpretation of reality. I had to move out of our apartment about a year ago but I just went across the street. I guess it was still a step in the right direction! I pass by his building (my old building) every morning and evening and some nights it's just excruciating and I miss him terribly, but other nights, I still feel those pangs in my chest, as I recall moments of running down the street to get away from him, having him scream and threaten me, the police arriving, etc. As much as I love him, (and it feels kind of sick admitting that considering the hell I was living in), there is no way I could go back to that. It's just against all reason and more importantly, I can't imagine living with all that anxiety. We all share the same story and even though our alcoholics at one time seemed extraordinary to us, they are very ordinary and their patterns of behavior are very predictable. It is still painful but I think we'll find living without chaos, much more fulfilling. What helped me was imagining myself another 5, 10, 15, 20 years down the road. No way. It will be worth the short term pain (and it will eventually subside, I have to believe that) for the long term gain.
Wow, Honestly, I just met this guy..maybe almost a month ago. My mom was an alcholic so I know one when I see them. We met at a club so the first night I thought maybe he was having fun. The next day we went on a date and we have been togehter ever since. About 3 days after we met, he had been drinking and came over, he was very aggressive and serious. Normally he is laughing , a really happy drunk. This day was different. I am a Rescuer! That is my nature. I am a problem solver and my major is Social Work in college. This man has been in rehab twice, and still gets so drunk he can't remember what he said or did. I know it hasn't been that long so why don't I just run??? I don't know, its like to me he needs support, maybe a reason outside of himself to stop. I'm not even saying to stop completely, but definitely not have as much, and not every day! It's like he has no stopping point, no boundaries drink the Vodka(MS. V) is what I call it, until it is all gone. I can't understand this, he is the most beautiful man I have ever met drunk or sober. Simply captivating either way. But is there help for him, or do i run now? I don't want to leave him like this, I wish I could help.
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