Do You Love an Alcoholic? – Setting Boundaries For You (Part 2)
Posted: Monday, January 15, 2007
by Angie Lewis
Heaven Ministries
Loving an alcoholic is not about taking care of them, but about taking care of you. You have a responsibility to protect yourself from any of the alcoholic’s negative and destructive behavior. Setting boundaries for you is how to become healthy, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. You may have to change a few personal things and schedules around the house a bit to accommodate your boundaries, but this is how you protect yourself from the insidious disease of alcoholism. All the boundaries I suggest are always detaching from the alcoholic in a loving way.
Don’t argue, plead, or yell at the alcoholic no matter how difficult it gets. This is what the alcoholic wants you to do. If you argue, fuss and fight, it takes the focus off of them and their drinking and on to you. See how that works? This is how the alcoholic drives you into the disease with them. Every time you try and control the alcoholic through words or argument, you actually lose the battle; they won! You stay in control by staying silent. You are in control when the alcoholic wants you to argue with them, but you walk away instead. This is taking care of you!
Don’t give the alcoholic money, booze, or pay their bills. By doing these things it will only enable them to continue drinking and also enable their irresponsibility to the household. If they pay part, or all of a utility that will get shut off if it is not paid, then of course pay it, but keep all receipts so they can pay you back. Let them know you are not taking over their financial responsibilities, but you certainly can’t live without heat or water.
Don’t have sex with a drinking alcoholic. You do not have to have sex with sloppy, booze smelling person, even if it is your spouse? By giving into the drinking alcoholic sexually, you are allowing yourself to be abused in a way that will cause much animosity and resentment later on down the road. Let them know when they are sober they can come to you for sex. And don’t have sex with a cheating alcoholic. This is a no-brainer. Do you want to catch the latest rash of venereal diseases? Set your boundaries.
Remember that setting boundaries for you is not a threat or a way to control the alcoholic. On the contrary, your boundaries have nothing to do with them, and everything to do with you! The alcoholic may not like your new attitude and that is why you explain to them why you have set boundaries. Explain to them that you will not be around an argumentative or abusive alcoholic, but when they are sober, you would love to talk with them. Tell them, “I Love you, but I don’t love the disease."
For those of you with children, it is your responsibility to talk with your children about the parent with the alcohol addiction. They also need to detach from the drinking alcoholic for their spiritual and mental well-being. They desperately need to know it is not their fault that their mom or dad drinks. Let them know they are still loved by the alcoholic even if they get angry with them.
Search out God for your life in everything that you do. You will need the help of God for the strength, hope and faith to carry out with your boundaries. The minute you stop relying on God is when you will be tempted to give in and allow the alcoholic to trespass against your spirit. Don’t let that happen!
“Progress begins when we stop trying to control the uncontrollable, and when we go on to correct what we have the right to change, (ourselves)"
Quoted from the AL-ANON book.
The bottom line is you set a boundary to define your area, to protect your space - physical, emotional, mental, sexual, spiritual, financial, etc. You set the boundary because it is what you need to do for your self. The great aspect about this whole boundary thing is you will be helping the alcoholic to look at himself for a change and actually see that he does have a drinking problem and he needs to deal with it accordingly.
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More commentsmy 16 year old daughter is an alcoholic and exploring drugs. how do you detach from someone you are still responsible for?? i got the nightmare call from a police officer -- my child was in the emergency room -- her blood alcohol at .325, and she'd been raped. she only remembers leaving school with friends, having fun and drinking from a bottle of vodka -- then she woke up in the emergency room. she refuses to follow any sort of house rules -- and is obsessed with being out with friends. how do i set boundaries for myself or detach?I'm so sorry that you are going through this. My heart feels for you and your daughter. Detaching is not allowing the abuse from the alcoholic to control how you will behave towards that person. Detaching does not mean leaving as in the physical sense. Detaching means to not do anything that would enable the drinker to continue to abuse themselves.
I know what you are going thru, I have been there and done that with my own mother. I remember times when she had to hold my head up off the toilet seat so I could throw up from drinking so much. I was a rebellious teenager with lots of emotional issues. Most of it was contributed to the way I was eating. Try to look beyond the shennanagins (disease) and see your daughter - she is crying out for help and needs you right now, more than you or her know.
Please email me from my website. I can certainly identify with both of you. I would like to talk with your more and give you some Godly support and guidance.
In Christ's Peace and Love,
Angie
Thankyou, reading this has been helpful for me. I had been dating an alcoholic for the past 2 years. For the first year I didn't know he was an alcholic....but the more time I spent with him the more I noticed the amount he would drink. Too bad for me, by now I was so in love with him I thought I could put up with it. Things got worse as time went on, he no longer wanted to do anything but wait around to start drinking. I thought that because he had a full time job he could not be a drunk...but as he said he is a high functioning alcoholic. I'm really hooked on him, he is smart, funny and my best friend. I try to avoid him when he is drunk but sometimes that is hard. We don't live together but he spends most of his time here with me, but then starts a fight leaves and won't talk to me for days or even weeks. He makes up reasons we should'nt be together but then in a few days (after I've been hurt and lost sleep) he comes back around and the cycle starts all over. I need help and I WANT out. I can't seem to say no to him.......he is my best friend. helpHello,
Thank you for reading and commenting. I'm glad that you have found some encouragement from reading this article. You can still be best friends but it is not a good idea to get married or even become romantically involved with an alcoholic because you will get hurt, as you already have. Stay friends but you have to stand up for your personal well being and say no about him coming over, getting drunk, and starting fights. You need to come off of the emotional roller coaster ride and find a man who is going to really love you instead of playing with your emotions.
Remain friends, and help him if you can but for your own sake and for his sobriety you need to detach from him. As long as you keep coming back to him he will never get help for himself. He has you right where he wants you. That's not fair to you, is it!!???
You can help yourself. read my book The Alcoholism Trap. It will give you some instruction on how to handle the alcoholic. My website, heaven ministries has a lot of articles on addiction and what the loved one can do. Go to ALANON. Take care of you...
Email me again from my website
Take care and God Bless!
Angie LewisI read your comment and know exactly what you are saying. I have been in a relationship for two years with my man. Yes, he too is my best friend, smart and funny. He is now 8 wks sober and I am so proud of him, but.....yes there is one but....it isn't all roses! He is massively depressed, sleeps all the time and doesn't eat properly. Continually tries to convince me that all he needs is 6 beer to make him feel happy again. The answer to all of this that has worked for me is to get mad, which in turn has made me stronger and able to stand up for myself and what it is in life I want. Not what he wants!!!! I do not wish to live with a man who drinks, wastes money, uses other people, is verbally and sometimes physically destructive. I remind him of this and yes sometimes it is a big verbal confrontation, but then I get very quiet and leave him alone (to think) and he has gone back to bed (to sleep it off) and not had a drink. It hurts to see him laying in the dark, but it hurts more to see him very ill with drink.
Hang in there and stay strong. Keep to what it is you want in your life and remember you cannot change him or make it better for him. He has to want it on his own!!!!!
Hope this helps!!!!
Thankyou, reading this has been helpful for me. I had been dating an alcoholic for the past 2 years. For the first year I didn't know he was an alcholic....but the more time I spent with him the more I noticed the amount he would drink. Too bad for me, by now I was so in love with him I thought I could put up with it. Things got worse as time went on, he no longer wanted to do anything but wait around to start drinking. I thought that because he had a full time job he could not be a drunk...but as he said he is a high functioning alcoholic. I'm really hooked on him, he is smart, funny and my best friend. I try to avoid him when he is drunk but sometimes that is hard. We don't live together but he spends most of his time here with me, but then starts a fight leaves and won't talk to me for days or even weeks. He makes up reasons we should'nt be together but then in a few days (after I've been hurt and lost sleep) he comes back around and the cycle starts all over. I need help and I WANT out. I can't seem to say no to him.......he is my best friend. helpOne more thing.......sex was good at first but now I'm sure he could care less. I want it all the time. If I'm lucky I get it once week but with not much touching or kissing.
yes, i am in love with an alcoholic. we have been seeing each other for 9 months. it's a long distance relationship. really hard. i think i have been more in tears than happy in the last eight months. he tells me he loves me and i wants to see me, i make plans to go visit and than he says not now. so we talk on the phone and i wait patiently. he wants to be with me and i have the money and time to travel. so i make plans again. he shoots me down again. so i called him and said that's it, i can't take it any more. i told him it wasn't his fault, that i loved him but it just isn't the right time for a relationship. no blame, just facts. i love him so much i am just heart broken. i text him now and leave messages and he won't return them. i think i better just leave him alone now. maybe he will see what his drinking has done to us. there are consequences and choices. that's the only thing we have control over in our lives, choices. but God i miss him so.Hello! thanks for reading the article. I'm sorry you are hurting. Loving an alcoholic hurts...the pain can be almost unbearable at times...but you will get over him, and you will find someone new that loves you with their actions rather than with words. Take time out of your day to talk to God. Seek his will for your life. Allow Him into your heart and give you the peace and contentment you are needing at this time of suffering in your life.
As difficult as it may be, do not allow him back into your life unless he has been sober for at least 6 months. He also needs to be free of an emotional attachment if he is trying to get sober...
Email me again from my website
Take care and God bless!
Angie
Thanks Angie. I am very much in love with an alcoholic. She was in recovery for 7 years. She recently began drinking, conveniently the same day my brother passed away. I love her very much and I am willing to support her in any way that she needs. I need help though. I have been attending Al Anon when I can and it helps sometimes but I get so frustrated because I do not undertstand this disease and her whole family is stricken with it. Family functions are a drunken disaster so I have recently opted not to go. I am having such a hard time with all of this. I love her so very much but I feel like I am loing her to the alcohol and I am so scared.You have good reason to be scared, addiction is an insidious problem. It will take a hold of someone's life and literally control them. Many alcoholics start drinking again because they aren't really sober, at least not emotionally and spiritually, Did you know that addiction takes hold of a person physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. All of these areas in our life need healing before the alcoholic is actually sober. Your wife may have been a "dry alcoholic" for the seven years she was in recovery. Addiction can be overcome, but we must take care of all aspects of how God created us...He created us with a brain and a body (physical) he created us with emotions (emotionally) and he created us with a spirit (spiritually). All of these areas need complete healing before we can actually say someone is sober. We have lots of great info on this on our conquer addiction blog, and on our ministry website, and on You tube, we have made some videos. So come on over to the ministry and help yourself through the encouragement we offer.God Bless!Angie
I have been locking myself in a bedroom for sometime now, just to stay away from the stress of constant fighting with my boyfriend of almost 2 yrs. I never thought about the not fighting with him, and thank you for putting that in there. He is very abusive with his mouth when he is drinking. Last weekend I decided to record him while he was being very ugly to me. I played it for him the next morning, he couldn't believe that he talked to me like that and said that it made him sick. He has made me many promises that he would stop drinking, and has lied to me a lot. Needless to say there is no trust. I want him to go to rehab. but he says he can't afford to, which is true at the moment.
When I asked him how he planned to stop? He pointed at me. My first reaction was "you are expecting very much from me." and "you want me to be your watchdog?" I thought about it and I told him ok I would try one more time. I told him he is not aloud to go anywhere other than work without me, to work and strait home, A.A. meetings, and church on Sundays. Can this be done? He has been drinking sense he was a teen and he is 47 now. He drinks every afternoon when he gets home, till he goes to bed. Also, all weekend. This is a man that can drink a 12 pk of beer in just a few hours. I have a problem with there not being honesty in a relationship. I just don't know if I can do this, and I know I can't without the help of God. Thank you so much for your time and what you have wrote.
I have been with my boyfriend for 5 months now, he is a MAJOR alcoholic. It makes him sick every morning and he tries to miss work because he is sick. I talked to him about it before and made him come to the realization that it was caused by the alcohol. He also has health issues due to it. I live with him and help him take care of his son, and I always tried to tell him his health was horrible and he needed to slim down the drinking so he can live a long healthy life with his son, and me if it comes to it. He agreed to cut down and PROMISED me he would get help. He went from drinking about 36 beers and a bottle of Old Crow whiskey a night, to drinking a bottle of wine and he still agreed to go to AA meetings or rehab. I was excited, but recently his brother boozed him up and he started drinking tons again. ( A 45$ bottle of Absynth with 55% alcohol, plus beer and tequila ) He is now refusing to cut down to a bottle of wine. I really want him to cut down for his health and because he emotionally abuses me all the time. He even told me he doesn't believe in God anymore, he said it was d***s***. :( And he broke his promise about getting help. He says, "it's who i am, and i'm not changing sister." I know it's not who he is, when i tell him that he just laughs at me. I'm seriously going to try walking away to another room when he drinks. But I was wondering how it works? Will it help him to realize he needs to get help? How can I convince him to go to rehab without him flipping out on me again? I love him and it's taking so much for me to be with him when he drinks. He is the most amazing bf ever when he is sober, when he drinks, he's terrible! :( I refuse to walk away from him for his alcoholicness though, others have and he just buries himself in it deeper. I want to be his , I guess you can say, guardian angel and help him come to his senses again.Dear Sarah,
Please visit our website at Heaven Ministries-read our articles and ebooks on detaching. We also have an addiction blog to help loved ones of alcoholics and we have videos that talk about detaching. So come on over and sign up for our weekly marriage column where we also periodically talk about the addiction of alcoholism.
God Bless,
Angie
I am in love with an alcoholic. he is a wonderful man and never abusive or angry. he is sad a lot which worries me sometimes i guess. i dont like the way he smells and when he gets upset or stressed he just drinks more. sometimes i can clearly see he cannot even see straight yet he thinks he is fine and says he is not drunk. i have a 7 year old and he also has a child from a previous relationship. I try my best to concentrate on me and my child but its the worst feeling in the world to love someone so much and feel powerless to the disease and second best in his life. he says he wants help but has yet to seek it.
I have just read part 1 and 2 of this article and it was very enlightening. I grew up with an alcoholic parent and am now engaged to an alcoholic. I didn't mean to fall in love with one and I swore I wouldn't but I guess I am addicted to being in a codependent relationship:( I am attending my first Alanon meeting tomorrow and have just recently started back to church. I look forward to the meeting tomorrow and I am ready to deal with this. Thank you for sharing I will certainly be re-reading this and taking notes.
I fell in love with an alcoholic the first time I saw him. It was a whirl wind romance. He moved in after a week. I had never felt this way before. He had a heart of gold. It was great for three weeks we were inseparable! I never really saw him drink. After three weeks I found a few empty bottle hidden. I asked him about them...he lied. He said they were old. I warned him I was NOT going to be able to stay with him if this a problem. He lied and said it was not. I noticed horrible breathing problems at night. I researched it and discovered it was sleep apnea. By this time I started to connect the dots. Shortly after that I found more empty bottles which broke my heart. We had another serious discussion. He begged...told me he hates drinking and that he would quit. I believed him and for another couple weeks he hid it well. He started to go to bed early. I thought it was because his body was going through withdrawls but he was drinking and passing out. Guess whalltls....his lies didnt last ulong. I was broken hearted! He would look into my eyes hold me and lie! How can youthat to someone? I asked him to leave. I lined up a place Dori him to go. I thought that would show him how serious I was. We were off and on. He drank more and still is. He atill lies...tells me he loves me and that he cant do this without me....then drinks again. After reading your stories I decided my life cannot be this way. At first it was his fault...now it was mine. I have the power to be happy. If he stays in my life he will break my heart anytime he fee
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