A Wife’s Submission To Her Husband
Posted: Friday, May 18, 2007
by Angie Lewis
Heaven Ministries
Some Christian wives tell me they have a difficult time
submitting to their husband because he is behaving inappropriately, either
through controlling behavior or demanding submission, or other ungodly
activities. If this is the case, I must
admit that it would be difficult to submit to this kind of authority. After
all, many of these women go on to tell me they thought they married a man of
God, not a Hitler.
Fortunately, God knew that this would happen from time to time,
and so He left us with appropriate instructions on how to handle this kind of
marital difficulty. First of all before we get into what appropriate action to
take, wives should identify the consistency of this kind of behavior, and then
try and figure out what she can do to rectify the situation from
happening.
Does your husband behave controlling only some of the time,
all of the time, or only once in awhile? The reason she needs to identify the
consistency of his behavior is simple, really. If a man consistently demands
that his wife submit to him, than he has his own spiritual issues that need
attended to before he can actually think that his wife should submit to his
tyrant behavior. Issues within ourselves
are what keep us from loving one another in the proper ways.
If he behaves controlling only some of the time, then maybe he is truly trying to do the will of God. And in that case a wife should try and be supportive to her husband, and maybe even look at herself to see if she may be doing something that would cause him to feel out of control in his position as head of the home. Or he may be going through an
emotionally stressful time in his life, and only needs to feel reassured about
something. These kinds of issues in marriage need talked out in proper
communication. It takes two to tango, meaning both husband and wife should be willing to look at the reasons why a husband would be acting demanding to his wife. If a husband only gets controlling and demanding once in awhile,
then I would tend to believe there is probably good reason for his spiritual protection over his wife.
One problem I see is that many Christian women hang around
with other single and unbelieving women at work, and they tend to adapt to each
other’s philosophy and beliefs, even trying to conform to worldly standards and
remain a Christian. For instance, a Christian woman may hear how much fun it is
to go out dancing in bars from her unbelieving friends, and believes she is
missing out on some fun. When she goes home she has a difficult time submitting
to her husband when he says he doesn’t want her to go out dancing in bars with
friends. Or her friends tell her how they boss their husband around and would
never ever submit to their husband in a million years! Hello! Do not be unevenly
yoked with unbelievers!
A husband may see his role as head of the family a bit
differently than his wife. Most Christian husband’s who take their position
seriously may protect their wives from outside influences with great authority,
while she may take his behavior as demanding or controlling. Great discernment
and godly wisdom is needed here, not forgetting to pray about it together, so
you may both understand what is the proper way to lead and the proper way to
submit. If either spouse fail to commit to the purpose set out for them by God,
there will be troubles such as described above.
On the other hand, if a husband is often taking advantage of
his leadership position than I tend to believe he is an unbeliever using the
scripture for his own gain. And if that were the case God has specific
instructions for that.
And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is
willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband
has been sanctified by his believing wife…
(1 Corinthians 7:13-14 NIV)
Many times in such circumstances a Christian wife finds her
strength through the power of Christ in her life and she can remain married and
sometimes her husband may even become a believer. This is what God intends for
marriage, but it may not happen in all marriages.
In a healthy marriage both husband and wife submit to each
other but the husband is the main spiritual leader. A woman who is sure of
herself and is made to feel good about who she is will not have a problem submitting
to her husband’s loving influence.
Submit to one another out of reverence to Christ. (Ephesians
5:21 NIV)
Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the
husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body,
of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives
should submit to their husbands in everything. (Ephesians 5:22-24 NIV)
Jesus Christ submitted His will to the Father, and
Christian’s are to honor Christ’s example. So then this is how a wife is to
submit to her husband. If she does not submit to her husband, then she is not
honoring Christ or His example He left for us to follow.
To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you,
leaving you an example that you should follow in his steps. (1 Peter 2:21 NIV)
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More commentsWow! I really am just shocked. Through reading all of this discussion, I was trying to imagine a situation in which there could be something rebellious enough that a wife could do to warrant a spanking from her husband. I was having a hard time coming up with much of anything and I really can't believe that you've drawn lines where you have, for your wife. I've been a Christian all of my life (made a profession of faith at the age of 7), and grew up with a very faithful community of very patriarchal believers - but I've NEVER heard of anything like this before! I've been exposed to a wide variety of denominations - Baptist, Presbyterian, Episcopal, Catholic, Assembly of God, Church of Christ - and still I have never known anyone or even heard of anyone who practiced CDD. Perhaps my exposure to the broader Christian world's practices are not what I think, but I would be really shocked if even a small fraction of believers practiced this form of CDD.Also, is it not under-mining your son-in-laws headship to involve yourself (at the request of your daughter) in their marital issues? All along you've said that it is the husbands choice to make - so if he doesn't want any part of CDD, then it doesn't seem consistent for you to step in, regardless of your daughter's requests. Perhaps this is your thinking as well - it was a little vague from your paragraph above.Another question that is brought to mind after reading all of these comments. A woman above rebuked another woman saying something to the effect of "If it is not too painful, or too damaging to the pride of your children to spank - why is it something you object to yourself?" Following that logic, who spanks the father? Since the husband is head of the wife, and Christ is head of the husband - and the earthly representation of Christ is the church - are the church leaders then in a position to physically punish the husbands? If so, do men actually submit themselves to church discipline when they do things like speak harshly and get too many speeding tickets? Many of these comments argue that men are held to an even higher standard by God. So, are the men holding themselves to the same standard that they hold their wives - and making open repentance by subjecting themselves to physical punishment, as the church sees fit?This is my last comment on this topic. I have made myself very clear over and over. First whether or not my son in law practices CDD is his business. I wouldn't presume to tell any other Husband how to run their house. At my daughter's request however , I did explain the benefits that we felt were derived from CDD in our marriage. You will no doubt be appalled to find out that he has decided to incorporate CDD in their marriage on a trial basis. You might remember this is what our daughter wants which should further upset you. So starting tomorrow they are doing a CDD booth camp that they found on the Internet. Just google "being Head of Household" if you are curious. Finally I am not telling anyone how to live their lives, I am only relating what has worked for us and why I think it's justfied. It's also true I am sure this would not work for everyone. My last word , my wife and I will be involved with our daughter and son in law in this "booth Camp" per their request. Be well and God bless.
Hello all,I'm new here ... and have a HUGE question on submission. What does a wife do, when her husband does not keep himself physically clean? It's very hard to be close to him, or WANT to be close to him, yet I know I am to submit to him and be there for him.Yes, I have talked to him about this several times, in a very loving way ... yet nothing changes. He rarely showers, doesn't brush his teeth and there is food caked on his bottom teeth, and he is missing 2 teeth in front. He doesn't use deodorant, not does he ever wear after shave. He works on cars allot, so his hands are almost always dirty, under the nails, etc. ... and him wanting to be intimate with me, is not only a turn off, but scary, as I'm afraid of an infection.Please advise on this, because this is one subject, that I've never seen addressed.Thank you!DianaDear Diana,I truly do not know what to say...I'm kind of curious as to why you would marry a man who is filthy? Or did this only happen after the marriage? Is he depressed, low self esteem, or on medication, alcoholic....??? These issues would keep him from taking care of himself.This kind of situation will take some creativity from you, that's for sure. Try this out and let me know how it goes. Next time you take a shower, why don't you invite your husband with you. While you are getting clean, ask him to scrub your back and you do the same for him. Once you guys are all clean, tell him how much more you appreciate him when he smells so clean and fresh.
I hope this helps.
Take care,
Blessings,
AngieI have a question for Angie, but others please feel free to comment as well. I've been married for 16 years now. We were seperated for several, but God has provided a second chance for us. As a man, husband and father, I have matured in many ways. Our main issue has always been about submission. When we seperated (at my behest) it was because of her independent nature (i.e. she bough a car without my knowledge, which was the straw that broke the camels back). Before we got back together we talked it out and I truly believed things would be different as both of us had grown (or so I thought). But now the old habits have returned and in a sense have gotten worse. I am much more firm and direct that I was before. I try to mix it with understanding and patience but to no avail. We attend different churches, which to me is the worst thing as it divided our family. (We have two children). I am firmly of the belief in male headship and male leadership in the church and home. Her church is dominated by strong willed women who basically lead the church (women elders and even womem apsotles??). I have spoken against this, tried to reason from the scriptures. I have tried just about everything. It has effected my ministry to the point where I am concerend about not havine my family in obedience and therefore putting my ministry aside. I don't want to do that but i realize as a minister my life and the life of my family must be an example if I am to be effective. I don't think I can every physically correct my wife so please pray for me as I am about to give some dire ultimatums. I see the effect this has and will have on my kids. My son is 14 and I try to talk to him about a man's role as head of the home and how to lead in a Godly way but I fear what he is seeing may negatively influence him. My daughter is much younger but I am sure it will effect her too. It's a battle every day. I'd like to hear your thoughts Angie! ThanksHello,Your wife is walking in error, and the ironic thing about it, she probably does not even realize it. The more your try and lead your home in a Godly manner, the more she rebels against it, am I right? Your wife is being led astray down a path with other head strong women--this is how people are deceived into believing that what they are doing is righteous. As long as they "go to church" everything they do is ok.
But nothing could be further from the truth. Sadly, this is the route that many Christians are on and they don't even know it! Unfortunately it is not the path that leads to right living with God. Where are the fruits? There will always be fruits with righteous living. If we profess to be Christ followers than we have to actually take up our own cross and follow Him. There is no room for feminism in the bible and that is essentially what rebelling against your husbands headship position is. Please read the special report on our marriage ministry website on feminism and the bible. Print it out and let your wife read it too. The link for it is on the left side of our website home page---Heaven Ministries called "special Reports. (sorry can't add links to the forums)Anyway, There is cause and effect with everything we do in life. If what your wife is doing were right, as she seems to think, where is the marriage fruit? God provides us with His blessings when we "do" His will. But when we rebel exactly the opposite happens in our lives. The effect of your wife's action are dividing the household and causing confusion with the children and disharmony with her husband. That is the saddest part about it.There are many supposed Christian churches that do not worship Jesus Christ as the head--if Christ is not the head of a church then it is not a church built on Christ's foundation of love and peace, and the people are being deceived!What can you do? You can continue being the man of your home, always showing a good example to your children and to others. Never stop being the church just because your wife is in err...continue walking the Truth and lead your home in the "ways of the Lord". You have to be patient. You have to be kind and respectful about it and you have to be as Christ like as possible but do not ever relinquish your God-given position for your marriage or for yourself. Be the Light of Christ. Don't hide your light where others can't see it, bring it out in the open where others can learn from you.Although you cannot make your wife submit to your protection, you can still let her know that what she is doing is against your godly decision-making and that what she is doing is hurting her relationship with Christ and of course with her husband. Your wife has to "want to submit" to you before it will be real. You can't make her submit to you...but you can let her know and still practice your God-given calling to lead your home from the knowledge and wisdom that you have received from the Lord. You still are a father and husband and you have a big job to do. Be patient and don't give up.Pray for your wife. Love her and protect her the best you can. Understand that your wife is spiritually deceived right now and praying for her to "see" that she is in error is really all you can do and of course stand your convictions in the Lord. Your son will respect you for being convicted in your beliefs in the Lord...its good for him to see you standing up for your Godly beliefs and position rather than you give up your headship position like some husbands feel they need to do to save the marriage.Do home bible study with your family when you are not in church. Remember, YOU are the church, and your family will learn a lot more from your example than a preacher reading to them in church on Sunday. To do the will of God means "action" on our part. We can't just say we are Christians, we can't just listen and read about what it is to be a christian, we must BE Christians by our actions! Actions produce fruits.
Have your wife email me. I am working on another ministry book about this very subject because it is an important part of our Christian walk. I would like to send her some links to some materials that I have written on this subject also. It is important to keep praying for your wife. amazon sells a good book that my own husband has read and liked its called "The Power of a Praying Husband". It has special prayers that a husband can pray for his wife. Of course you don't need this book to pray for your wife, but it will inspire you and give you hope and a closeness with God that I think you need right now.We'll be praying for you guys,In Christ,Angie and FrankHeaven Ministries
Angie -I am a little surprised that you write very in-depth material and when people ask you for help, you refer them to your 300 articles on varied subjects. not even one article in particular. As for this spanking business your comments:"At first, to be honest, I was a little bit taken aback by it myself, but now we have no right to judge how a man leads his home. If this is how it works for him in his household, why should it concern you?"Spanking his wife gets the job done no matter if it puts his wife in the category of misbehaving and unruly child. This is the kind of unfeeling and overaccepting attitude that keeps women subjugated and abused for their entire married lives. I would hope you would either a. help them or offer suggestions of counseling or b. reread your bible and look for the way men are supposed to treat women. with love. love is not to make a woman feel less.Hello,I guess you misunderstood that the wife "wants" him to discipline her in this way. For most couples 99% it won't work, but there are a few where it does and if the wife wants it then where is the problem?As for how a man should treat a woman? I have written numerous, numerous information on that on our marriage ministry website, come and check it out.God bless,Angie
This article is dumb. There is no solution given to the spouses of alcoholics. Angie is more talking about following the lord and hints that a woman can mend her drunkard partner. I suggest the ladies to dump the drunkard husbands they no longer need.In theory you have 1 life and are adviced to stay with the spouse. But i say you have 1 life.. and you dont have to spend it trying to cajole and submit to a fellow and please him.Of course this is not a theology class....be practical in life.
I am currently doing some researh on the topic Submission. This has really helped me to see the views of a variety of people. I never heard of CDD before. I find it funny. I believe in submission but the husband must also love his wife as Christ loved the church and gave his life for her. that command is stronger than submission. If a man loves his wife in this way, there would hardly be problems with submission. Wives have to also keep God's standard, therefore if a husband wants to submit to something that is sinful she should speak out and let him know that she cannot. God must come first.Great advice. Thanks for sharing.
God bless!Angie :-)
Ben, and all others. I'm trying very hard to understand your point of view but it doesn't (in my opinion) make sense because Romans 13:1-7 states that we as christians are to follow the law of the land and addresses the submission we should have to the government unless it goes against God's word. It also states that if we break the law then we are dishonoring God. God has placed the govt. officials in place perhaps to protect us from misusing his word for our own benefit instead of to glorify HIM. No the govt is not perfect, but God instructs us to submit to them. Now.... It is illegal, (not prohibited in the bible) according to the government's law to hit your wife. Since the bible does not command you to do so just as it does not "prohibit" it.. the government does prohibit it and therefore you as the head of the house should be sure you are in submission to the law of the government and not breaking the law in this regard, which you are clearly doing. Your wife broke the law by getting a speeding ticket, you have broken the law of domestic violence (even though you may not call it that). You should be an example to your wife by submitting to those whom u have been instructed to. Government has put laws in place to protect women like your wife from being abused. Jesus came and HE was bruised for OUR sins NOT us yet he is the head of the church. He did not chastise us for this and he lost his life for us. A husband needs to look to Jesus as an example of what a good head is like. You say so loosely "the bible does not allow it but does not prohibit it". How would you feel if your wife found loopholes in your instruction just so she could do whatever she wanted? For example if she said "Well Ben didn't say I could go out today but he DIDNT specifically say I couldn't either soo I'm gonna go" In regards to wife and children being alloted the same things.. you can have sexual relations with your wife, not your children... do u see where I am going? Wife does not equal child and should not be treated as one.
I have a very hard time submitting to my husband at times. We have been married for 6 years with 3 children. He has only held a job down for 1 1/2 years all together. The other 4 1/2 years it has been my role to work full time, continue my education, take our 2 disabled children to the doctors, cook, clean, do laundry and take care of the house. He says I have no right to question him and his decisions; if I do he goes crazy screaming and yelling at me. He does nothing to help me around the house except maybe put gas in our vehicle and clean the garage. How do I not have a right to make decisions when all I do to contribute to this family? my husband recently has been put on SSI for a back injury, Bipolar disorder, ADHD, OCD, Personality disorder, PTSD, and anxiety. Now with all this said doesn't it seem very one sided or maybe I'am just being too hard on him. Also he refuses to attend any more treatment-he thinks nothing is wrong with him. So what I'am trying to say is I do about 95% of everything needed for the family and I'am just to sit back and let him make all the decisions? Oh, just recently he decided we aren't to celebrate Christmas anymore because it's pagan-he has taught our children to chant Christmas is pagan and Jesus doesn't like it. They're only 5, 6, and 7 and have no clue what they're saying. Please help me understand what I'am to do.My husband has ADHD, bipolar, and OCD too. We've been married for 5 years now and because I have refused to gossip and share with friends about out marriage problems I have kept it to myself and am still without answers. Living with a husband with these issues is sooooo hard! If you, in your search, have found any help, words of wisdom, books, etc... regarding the issue (I haven't found anything on submitting to a Christian husband) please let me know. Thank you and God bless.Dear RNdriven...we have lots of information about submission and headship on our marriage healing ministry website, "Heaven Ministries". I would also like to counsel you in regards to your questions on submission. My short answer to you is this: Before we can come to a solution there are many questions that need to be answered. Please visit our ministry and email me (Angie) from there.Blessings,Angie
What about submitting to a husband with OCD??? I love the Lord and desire very much to honor and respect and submit to my husband but sometimes I have a difficult time submitting when he insists I submit to things that (I believe) are OCD related. If he has no conviction or word from God but insists on me doing something do I still submit? It just feels very controlling sometimes and not what God intended.
"A woman who is sure of herself and is made to feel good about who she is will not have a problem submitting to her husband’s loving influence". I need to know why a woman needs to be made to feel. Why cant she feel good on her own? This really troubles me, because many women are not internally driven and dont know ho to make themselves feel good. So why should she be made to feel good? What role/responsibility does she play in her own happiness?In the same vein, does God make our submission to Him dependent on how good we feel? Or how He makes us feel? I have a problem when this is framed in a 'rub my back and i will rub yours' framework. Take tither for example, does God tell us that only when our finances are in order should we tithe? No. What about sexual immorality? Does he say to flee only when we feel super strong?I dont think it is fair to frame this as though our relationship with God is dependent on How he makes us feel. Many times i feel like rebelling towards God, but i battle with myself. Same thing with submission. God doesnt say you submit when you feel good about it, it places no qualifiers, much as we are human beings. If we use the same logic, as a man, i can also place qualifiers on what my wife needs to do in order for me to love her. And my list can be long. All i am saying is that there is no missing link to these thigns. If we start placing qualifiers and 'cause and effect' we inadvertently tell God that His system isnt all that.Dear anonymous,I understand what you are saying and a woman doesn't have to be "made" to feel anything. All I am saying is that men have their role in marriage just like the woman does. I feel it is the Husbands obligation to help us wife understand what submission is through him first submitting his own will to God. the husband being the head of the home, should try and help his wife understand why submission is so important according to his loving influence over her. It is the husbands job to cleanse the wife and make her holy, is it not? What makes a woman "feel" good about herself is a husband who loves his wife in the same way that Christ loves His church.blessings,Angie
Good article. I need your help! I know that the husband is suppose to be the main protector of his family. However, is it sinful for a woman too protect their children equally? She's not sinning if she protects or tries to protect her husband if he's in danger is she? What if a husband and wife were on a date and the husband got gained up on, is it a sin for the wife to rush in and help her husband form the people who are trying to kill him? If I had a husband I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I just watched him die without trying to help him. Please please let me know! I'm struggling with this!Hi Riki,
Of course we are to protect our family where and when needed. The point is NOT that the wife cannot help her children or husband if they need it but that we wives ought to be the feminine women that God called us to be for our husbands. A woman who domineers her husband and behaves as the man of the house by taking control of everything that is going on is not acting very feminine, in fact she is not truly being a helpmeet to her husband, but a tyrant.
We women need to relax and stop trying to take control of everything. If we do everything what is left for our husbands? God made specific roles and duties for husband and wife to partake in. When a man allows Christ to be His guide he will surely know how to take care of and provide for his family in the right ways--wives need to let husbands have the reins. If our husbands submit to Christ then we truly have nothing to worry about--let them be the king of the castle-- we need to stop trying to grab the reins...
If my children are in danger or my husband, you bet I would step in and help them...please go to our website and read some of the articles on submission and headship to get a better understanding of this issue. If you have any questions I will be happy to talk with you. Email me anytime from our website too.
Blessings,
Angie :-)
Heaven Ministries
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