Living With An Alcoholic Spouse: A Healthy Detachment
Posted: Tuesday, June 05, 2007
by Angie Lewis
Heaven Ministries
The best thing you can do when dealing with an alcoholic spouse is to detach from the abuse of the alcoholic. You can do this if you truly love your spouse and want to help them to possible sobriety. The more you focus all your energies on the alcoholic, the less likely he is to get sober. This article focuses on how you can detach and remain healthy mentally.
Don’t Make Alcoholism Your Problem
If you have never read any of the Al-anon material then you probably don’t know that you are making the disease of alcoholism YOUR problem. One of the sad facts of living with an alcoholic is we become just as mentally and emotionally sick as the alcoholic. This happens because every step of life we take, and every breath of air we breathe has some involvement with the alcoholic. Our emotions overtake our own mental health as we try and cope with the deterioration of the alcoholic in our life. What are we doing wrong? We are concentrating too much on the disease, instead of concentrating on our mental and emotional health. We may as well be tipping the bottle for them. Better yet, we may as well be drinking with them!
Don’t Enable
Most spouses of alcoholics don’t realize they are helping their spouse drink just by a few simple behaviors and actions. Several ways in which you may be enabling your spouse to drink is by buying them alcohol, drinking with them, calling the boss and or family members for him because he is too hung over or too drunk to do it himself. Lying to friends, boss, family and co-workers about him and his drinking problem. Taking them to the store, arguing with them, and behaving like a victim. You are not the victim of alcoholism until you make yourself BEcome the victim.
Get Off The Pity Pot
Get off of the pity pot and begin living for yourself, instead of living for the alcoholic. “Oh poor me, everyday I am suffering and I can’t take it anymore" attitude won’t get you anywhere. You need to take care of yourself and that cannot be done if you are focusing all of your attention on the alcoholic and what he is doing or what he isn’t doing. Start focusing on what you can do for yourself. Get out of the house, don’t hang around the alcoholic, and don’t let them abuse you with their words. If you care about the alcoholic in your life, this is what helps them more than anything else.
Detach With Love
You are powerless to getting your loved one to stop drinking. The first step in being able to detach is by realizing that the shenanigans of the alcoholic is not your problem. Don’t try and fix their messes for them. Not only does this enable them to continue drinking, but also it justifies their drinking. Don’t have any interaction with the alcoholic while they are drinking; that includes, talking and arguing with them. Why fuss and fight with someone who has lost the ability to make any sense? Don’t become ensnared in the alcoholic trap with them. Stay out of the trap, so you can help them. Ninety-five percent of what an alcoholic says is manipulative and hogwash anyway. Don’t start believing in the lies of the disease. Separate yourself from the antics of the alcoholic.
Pray For The Alcoholic
I can’t tell you how important the process of daily prayer can be. Not only does it bring you closer to God but it will also get you into the habit of going to God with your life challenges. God does hear your cries of pain and He will give you the answers you need to get through your trials and tribulations, even if your spouse continues to drink. Be patient and remain faithful in the Lord and He will deliver you from your suffering.
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. (Philippians 4:6)
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More commentsI have had to detach from my husband through separation. I just don't understand how one can detach and still live in the same house. I have had a lot of counseling from my church leaders and accoutability partners and they all agree that this seperation was necessary. My husband has had a life long struggle with alcohol and lately his sober periods have been getting shorter and shorter. I love him and pray for him daily but I cannot live with him when he has these episodes. I see him at our Celebrate Recovery program and at church and I call him a couple times a week, but I don't get into his addiction, I keep it simple and about general matters. When he starts pushing and getting emotional I end the conversation. I would be lost without our Celebrate Recovery Program. They have really helped me work on myself and that I cannot make him change. I have a group of friends that are going through the same thing as me so I know I am not alone. I would suggest that if there is a Celebrate Recovery in a person's area they should go check it out, It is exteremely helpful to me.
Okay, I too have a alcoholic husband. So far I have read about husbands being alcoholic and that spouses should detach themselves. But how do you detach yourself when not only is he an alcoholic but he has been diagnosed with depression and anxiety and have already attempted suicide before and came close on a couple of occasions. I love him very much and so does our children. The problem is he lost his job over two years ago soon after we took a mortgage on our brand new home. After the accident he started counselling and was again happy and all ready to get back into the workforce but over a year later he hasn't been able to find work and so the drinking got worst. What do I do? I am afraid to leave him when he has been drinking for fear he might succeed this time in taking his life but am so tired of his drinking. He is not violet when he drinks just strange and silly. The kids feel embarrased when he is drunk after school when he picks them up. We have been married for 14 and a half years, known each other 20 years. Please advise.
My husband relapsed last year after 5 years sobriety. He had quit going to Aa, became unfaithful and then started drinking again. His behavior when intoxicated gets increasingly worse. I feel like I have to "babysit" him as to keep him safe and out of trouble. When highly intoxicated he gets very agitated, and angry. He sometimes cries like a baby or he finds someone to fight. If he can not find an opponent to fight with then he turns on me. He is verbally and physically abusive. He is sincere and kind when sober. I don't want to leave him but very sick of the tension and abuse. My children are going to suffer and I am emotionally drained and believe this cause of my depression and anxiety. He is in denial that he has a problem. Any suggestions?
I've been married to an alcoholic for 11 years. I learned detachment through Al Anon about 5 years ago, and have employed them religiously ever since. My husband & I never argue about his drinking (waste of time), our 9 year old daughter & I remove ourselves from his presence when he is drinking (when he lets us) and politely ask him to leave if he violates this boundary, we try to stay active, we pray constantly, and we attend church. The problem is -- he continues to drink on a daily basis, and try and we might, there really is no way that we can keep this from affecting us. We never know who is going to come home - a loving husband & father, or a monster (or something in between). If we're out, we never know who we're coming home to. I've learned not to let fear of this dominate my life, however, when we come home to the monster, or the monster comes home to us, we are immediately facing a crisis. So we live crisis to crisis - trying to heal in between, and detaching all the while. My daughter is really too young to understand and employ detachment, so it affects her more profoundly. I finally removed us both from the situation (we're living at my parents), realizing that no amount of detaching makes the experience OK, and removing my enabling does not mean he's going to get sober. And while praying and staying close to God keeps me strong and connected to Him, God is not about to remove my husband's freedom of choice - and he chooses to drink. I cannot pray him sober. So after 11 years, my realization is that I am a responsible adult who has to make responsible decisions for the sake of our daughter and for myself. Only I can make them. I still love my husband tremendously, and I do continue to pray for him, because I've seen the Lord bring angels to lead him in the right direction should he choose it (but in the end, he has still chosen wrongly). I have remained in contact with my husband (when he is in a rational state), reassured him of my love, and continue to try to encourage him to sobriety. He is seeking help because he wants him family back, but I have to see behavioral changes before I'm willing to return. I am not seeking a divorce - he is my husband and always will be. But I am choosing a healthier environment for the sake of my daughter, as well as myself.I am still living crisis to crisis. I have 2 sons and a husband who has been through rehab
but still continues to drink. The man I married was, and still is, to a limited extent, a lovely, intelligent human being. he has been very successful in his life, He has been able to go to rehab but left after 3 weeks, and had dramatically gone down hill for the last 6 months. We have a house in London, which is mine - and another in the country which we both own - he has a business there - but will not leave me and the children in peace.
I have tried the detachment of physical emotions for a period of months, but it is immensely difficult to spiritually detach from my wife. While I pray daily for her safety, well-being, and heartfelt awakening it is almost counterintuitive (based on my own religious faith "Love the sinner, hate the sin"). This is to say I KNOW what is needed to stay straight so to speak. Additionally, it is hard because she is-of all things-a BARTENDER! It is as if ALL of her drinking is directly attributed to the value set-or lack thereof-instilled in her as a child/young adult; broken home, lack of a positive male (father) role model, passive-agressive mother, and a multitude of excuses (not the SPECIFIC reason) i.e. a sort of reinforced victimhood. The general attitude is "it's everybody elses fault I drink..." "...you're the 'reason'..." "...I've been like this all of my life..." "...[crying] I really do want to quit, but I just can't..." "...You say you do love me, well, this is me, take it or leave it..." Seduction Intimidation Narcissism; SIN. ALL of her "close" friends are almost mirror images of her; broken home, single/divorced, single mothers etc; birds of a feather? Heck, I've even seen one lady's son buy his Mom several shots; and she reciprocated the gesture, "I love you [name]!" "I love you too Mom!" [slamming shots.] I ramble, it's so dang frustrating and almost humiliating; I love my wife VERY much, and it's difficult to be the father, husband, and the lover all at the same time. Thanks for your article and insight. Signed, Attempting to walk the line, Florida
My alcoholic has been drinking on and off for 60 yrs. He's tried every rehab known and goes to A.A. Sometimes he stops and drinks on his way home from a meeting.i have tried AlAnon. Haven't gotten much help there. We are in our senior years and I worry about his health but every Dr. visit says he is healthy, physically. As I get olde Help!r it is harder and harder to detach.
Are you kidding? Addiction is one of the most painful things a person can go through. The addict blames him or herself, plans each day to be better, but it doesn't happen. Sure, if you don't want to help someone through it, go your separate ways. Obviously if you are being physically abused, get out. But you are acting like this is an evil choice made by the alcoholic to put you through personal hell. The personal hell of the alcoholic is far, far worse than whatever "hell" you are going through. Get a grip. Leave if you can't handle it. Support and love if you can. But stop whining. The person who is actually in hell is the addict.
I'd like to know if Angie and Frank Lewis are legally certified to offer any form of emotional health or mental disease counseling from any of the 50 States ?
As well all know, the road to Hell is Paved with good intentions.
I am only asking if this is advice from a Certified, Degreed professional Mental Health Practioner, or pulpit-thumping (but well-meaning) hogwash from Snake-oil salesmen?
My husband has been drinking for 44 years. He has always been verbally abusive to me and our children. Our oldest son completed suicide at the age of 28. Many times I wanted to leave, but never felt I could make it without him. Funny thing is I have finally realized that I have been the strong one along. I have turned my husband's alcoholism completely over to my Lord and little by little he is showing me the way. I have finally let go of the guilt and shame and have been detaching emotionally and physically. So much of what I have read above I have started to do. I guess you could say this site has been refreshing!
Married to an alcoholic who has been drinking for 44 years. He has always been verbally abusive. Our eldest son became an alcoholic and completed suicide at 28. I always planned to leave but never felt I could make it with out him, Funny I came to realize I have been the strong one. I have decided to leave my worries at the foot of the cross and look for my joy. I am going to enjoy this beautiful state that I recently moved to and not sit by and watch my husband become more and more angry. This site has given me the confirmation that I no longer need to feel shame and guilt. thank you
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