Have You Really Fallen Out of Love With Your Spouse?
Posted: Friday, October 19, 2007
by Angie Lewis
Heaven Ministries
Why do we use the words, "fall in love" or "fall out of love"? What does it really mean to be "in love" with someone? First of all, understand that you cannot fall "in love" or fall "out of love". Love just becomes what it is when two people spend a lot of time together and get to know each other.
Marriage thrives on intimacy and closeness with one another and when that declines or discontinues couples feel they are no longer "in love" with their spouse, even though they still care for and love their spouse. So what does that mean? It means they are confused about what love really is.
You didn't "fall out of love" with your spouse, it's just that those feelings of excitement are gone and it is up to you to do something about it.
What I am saying here is stop basing your marriage on feelings but on principled acts of love instead. If you are looking for a feeling to keep your marriage alive then make that feeling happen! But don't sit around brooding over how you are not "in love" with your spouse anymore and want out of the marriage. Take responsibility for your marriage and do something about it.
We have to bring passion and excitement back into our marriage it is not going to happen without our efforts! We only need to shift our attitude from needing to feel excitement for our personal happiness to creating excitement in our marriage for both of our happiness.
The more we keep looking outside the bounds of marriage for the feelings we are looking for the more tempting outside boundaries will become to us. The reason is simple, what we perceive in our mind eventually becomes a reality. If we dwell on how boring or bad our marriage is, we will create temptation in our mind and act on it. Is that what we really want?
What couples do not understand is they made their marriage to be what it is today. If their feelings are telling them that happiness is being with someone else then they are confused about what love in marriage is. It is not the feeling of dating or the feeling of being with someone else, it is the principled acts of loving and caring for someone until death do you part. It is not a feeling at all but actions.
The most important thing to keep in mind if and when you do get tempted is that feelings don't last they are temporary. But love is for a lifetime it is real and can be made more complete by your principled actions of love. Remember, you're not dating anymore, you're married, and that means you have a duty and responsibility to your marriage.
Angie Lewis has written three books on how to have a happy marriage. She has just finished her fourth book THE ALCOHOLISM TRAP: Understanding Why You Drink and What You Can Do To Achieve Total Sobriety.
For more information about this book and marriage books, please visit: http://www.heavenministries.com
To see book previews, please visit: http://stores.lulu.com/angielewis
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Top-level comments on this article: (6 total)Angie, Nice job. Very well-stated and very true. Thanks.Thanks James. I do appreciate your thoughts. blessings, Angie
Wonderfully written and very true. Great job!!!!Thanks so much. blessings, Angie
I completely disagree and you are saying that it is not possible to 'fall out of love' because that is not what love is based on. You are placing your view on one scenario of love and how some people's experiences...you have dismissed reasons of why someone has gotten married...outside pressures...religion...culture and so on. Some people do change and why should you continue to be with someone if you as a person has changed? Maybe you married for the wrong reason..or maybe you loved the things about that person once and now you can't stand it. Also, if one person in the relationship feels this way and tries their best to bring what is missing back into the relationship, however their spouse doesn't agree and dismisses their efforts...then how can you bring what was missing back? I think that you have defeated the reason behind 'falling out of love' and have based it on something that can happen to a small minority of people.I guess we cannot please them all. :-) Take care, Angie
Great article, but i have to comment that peoples likes dislikes needs and expectations may change over the years. if you are not aligned as a married couple and someone else is out there that can potentially be a better match for either or both of you, then what is the sense in living in a less happy relationship than you could be?
This is so true and fits me perfectly. Thanks for the insight. This has made me view falling out of love differently and when I read this something in my heart felt so right. thank you
I also disagree. It makes absolutely no sense that my husband is still in love with me, in fact more in love with me now than the day he married me. He still gets that "feeling" he says. Me on the other hand have not felt that "feeling" in years. Do I like it? No way. Do I wish I can love him like he loves me or at least as I use to? Everyday. I constantly try to do things, think things, feel things that will try to spark the flame in this heart of mine but in the end I can't help but think that he's just not the man for me. People do change. I do love him and will always love him but in reality I am unhappy and unsatisfied in my marriage. Your article seems to give the impression that people like me don't care and don't try or want to do anything about it but being a christian I am plagued with this matter daily. You should re-evaluate your thoughts.
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