Common Obstacles of Marriage: Expectations, Demands, and Control Issues
Posted: Friday, November 02, 2007
by Angie Lewis
Heaven Ministries
Marriage is a learning and growth process, no doubt about it. But some of us never learn by it. If we do not learn how to get along with our spouse the first time around, what makes us think the second time around will be any different? The second time around may not have the same issues and circumstances but it will have trials just like the first time. I say, stick it out so there won’t be a second time.
I often encourage couples to adhere to the commitment of marriage by attempting to work on their problems without having such big expectations of each other. Marital problems can be totally eradicated when we stop trying to take control of every aspect of the issues at hand and just let them go. Restoring marriage does take change but that change does not happen for each other, but for what we do for ourselves.
One of the biggest obstacles of any marriage is when couples have grandiose expectations of each other, and when those expectations get crushed, disappointment sets in, and we begin to think that maybe we married the wrong person. Unmet expectations will always disappoint us, so it is always best to not have expectations to begin with.
Nothing in this life is certain except our own faith and trust in God, and as we grow in God’s Word we learn to stop having such high expectations of others because we realize it is out of our control to do so.
Another obstacle in marriage is when couples become demanding of one another. A wife or husband may not realize that nagging and complaining is demanding. It puts a lot of pressure on a spouse to be a certain way for the other. And what if they do not, or cannot perform in the way you THINK they should? We should never demand perfection, or expect our spouse to be a certain way, or behave a certain way, in the end it is a losing battle. What does work is to ask for what we need and want without placing demands or expectations.
The last obstacle ties into the first two, and that is the big control issue that afflicts many marriages today. Why are you trying to control your spouse? What do you really gain from being bossy and controlling? A marriage does not profit from couples who are constantly trying to control each other. Controlling and manipulative behaviors is detrimental to the marriage.
Many wives and husbands consider controlling behavior as emotional abuse. And it is, without a doubt. Is it any wonder why some couples seek emotional support outside the bounds of their marriage? Of course infidelity is never right, but it becomes more tempting when spouses are not respecting one another in the ways they should be.
A controlling and demanding spouse only needs to learn to give up their way for an amicable collaboration, instead of the marriage only being what they want and need. Grandiose expectations, wishy-washy demands, and control power issues are all selfish behavior. I believe it is time to grow out from the selfishness and become the husband or wife that God intends for you to be. It is never too late.
(Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me; for I am meek and lowly in heart, and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. (Matthew 11:28-30 KJV)
Angie Lewis has written three books on how to have a happy marriage. She has just finished her fourth book THE ALCOHOLISM TRAP: Understanding Why You Drink and What You Can Do To Achieve Total Sobriety.
For more information about this book and marriage books, please visit: http://www.heavenministries.com
To see book previews, please visit: http://stores.lulu.com/angielewis
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Top-level comments on this article: (4 total)Good article with some really important and useful points! I hope it helps some couples who are going through rough times. I'm so glad that my wife is also my best friend. It helps us to talk, to open up and to share our problems so that we can work through them. Cheers, Ben.Hi Ben, Thanks for you thoughtful comments. God bless your marriage. Angie
Angie, this especially stood out to me when you penned, "...Many couples who have spared themselves of divorce have gone through some pain and suffering in the process, but have learned and been rewarded with what it takes to get along with the person they married...." Two years ago, I had filed for divorce yet as much as my lawyer was trying to instigate me, she couldn't. Was I angry at my husband? Yep, but 5 months after I had filed for the divorce, we reconciled. There's that old story that goes, "there's alway 3 sides to a story; his, hers and then there's the TRUTH!" Marriage is about commitment and at times is work but, as you stated, it is rewarding and when I look at my husband I am thankful that I still hold his last name! Good article, Miss Angie!Hey Judi! What a wonderful little story you told us. Thanks for sharing it. I do appreciate your comments. Many blessings to you and yours. Angie :-)
It is funny that when they met there evidently was love and love supposedly overcomes it all, or so many think.The poor souls just don't understand. But then they have to live with one another, You hit the nail on the head in many ways. But the bootom line is the vow at the end that I suspect many leave out these days "in good times and in bad". It is called committment and if your not ready don't take the plunge. Also, many just cast aside the fact they married themselves before their God [excluding civil ceremonies]to death do them part or as it is in these days, things get tough, no money, broken dreams and the never ending kids issue. Now you left out and rightly so, that many today can't afford marraige so they live common law. So now there is no marraige and no ties. Anyway you did well with a hard topic. Best wishes as always RTMHi Robert, yeah, you're probably right, they may very well leave out that "commitment vow", but that certainly does not change anything with God. In his eyes, they still need to be committed to one another for the sake of the marriage thru thick and thin. Thanks for your comments. Blessings, Angie
Excellent article. However, thousands of people date and marry the wrong person and the consequences of bad choices are often unavoidable. What starts off wrong usually ends up wrong. Sometimes catastrophically so. Marrying for physical attraction only, money, position, power or because one gets a sense of control over the other, lack of better options, etc. can be a recipe for marital unhappiness down the road, especially as the years go by. Grandiose expectations, as you put it, are also the cause for unhappiness. I think that before people tie the know, they need to project their relationship some 20 years down the road, account for body changes, illnesses, disabilities, personality changes, intelligence compatibility, finances, etc. instead of saying "yes I do" just because he or she is "hot!" or a "good catch!" One time I caught a big fish that seemed like a good catch except that two days later I had a serious pain in my stomach. Not all big fish are good for you.Thanks for your comments. That's the problem - DATING! When people date with so many partners before marriage it really confuses them for a serious and committed relationship such as marriage. I think most people don't know what they are getting into when they get married, and that's the point. If we marry to feel good it will not work. That's being selfish! But if we marry to carry out our purpose in life and to share that purpose with someone else thru thick and thin, none of those problems as you say above should really be an issue at all, don't ya think? I do appreciate you sharing all that. Blessings, Angie
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