Choosing To Work On A Bad Marriage
Posted: Thursday, November 29, 2007
by Angie Lewis
Heaven Ministries
Choosing to work on your marriage takes willingness by both spouses. You either want to work on the marriage, or you don’t, it is really that simple. Sometimes you might talk yourself out of staying married and look for reasons “why” you should not work on the marriage. You know when you’re talking yourself out of working on the marriage when you go to friends and family who you know may be biased toward you, and against your spouse.
I’m here to tell you, a marriage gone wrong is never just the fault of one spouse. Now, it is true, some people are a lot harder to get along with than others, and therefore, one spouse may be hurting the marriage more just by stubbornness and selfishness. But it always takes two to get married and two to end the marriage. By going around seeking reasons for not working on the marriage, you will find it because you have already set it in your mind to not save the marriage.
But in a marriage gone bad there almost is never a good guy. It is realizing that we can be good a good guy, and that we have value in life for others, and ourselves that will make us want to choose to restore the marriage. Restoring marriage is about being willing to say, “Hey, I was wrong, lets try and work this problem out and save the marriage”. All it really takes is someone to make the first move, and say, “Let’s do it”! “Proud in our ways” keeps us from being humbling ourselves to one another.
Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God. (Romans 15:7 NIV)
All marriage issues can be dealt with in a positive light when both spouses put in the willingness to do so. It’s called “giving in”, “listening”, and then being understanding of each other on particular issues and, or feelings each spouse cares about. It doesn’t matter what the problems are in marriage, whether they are about infidelity, lack of communication, addiction, or just plain selfishness, couples can come out from these troubles and learn to be givers rather than takers.
The biggest determent I see in many marriages is not what you think it would be. It is the unwillingness to change ourselves. You see, couples focus so much of their time and energy on what the other is doing or not doing that they don’t notice what they themselves might be doing to make things better.
Let’s get real here. We all need some kind of inner healing first so we can be a better marriage partner. You cannot heal your spouse; you can only be a part of their healing. In the same way, your spouse cannot heal you; they can only be a part of your healing process. Therefore, it is our responsibility to work on what we can about ourselves rather than focus on changing our spouse or placing blame on them.
Wouldn’t you agree? This is how you choose to work on your marriage by choosing to work on yourself and doing what you can to make the marriage better.
Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.
(1 Peter 4:8 NIV)
Angie Lewis has written three books on how to have a happy marriage. She has just finished her fourth book THE ALCOHOLISM TRAP: Understanding Why You Drink and What You Can Do To Achieve Total Sobriety.
For more information about this book and marriage books, please visit: http://www.heavenministries.com
To see book previews, please visit: http://stores.lulu.com/angielewis
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Top-level comments on this article: (6 total)Angie, Nicely done. You make some good points about partner blame and alligning oneself with friends and neighbors to defend one's story. I believe, sadly enough, that there are cases where divorce may be the only option. However, this should only be done after much thought and counseling with a clergy or therapist. These are exceptional cases where a partner may be resistant to change and have serious conduct disorders that affect the prospect for marital healing. Thanks again.Hi James, I appreciate you taking the time to read my articles and sharing your thoughts. Have a wonderful holiday season and blessed year to come. God bless. Angie
Amen Sister! Thanks for writing this article. I have been married for 22 years. Only by the grace of God can I say this. Forgiveness and repentance on both sides brings healing. 1 Peter 4:8 says it well. The thing that humbled me was a word God spoke to my heart after I spent some time whining about my husband. He said " I understand, Teresa. I didn't deserve to die, but I did it for you because I love you. OUCH! It boils down to choice as you said. Love is not only a feeling it is a choice. Thanks again! TeresaHello Teresa, Thank you for sharing and congratulations on 22 years of marriage! blessings, Angie
A very good article on a very hard subject. There are so many who marry and then separate and for numerous reasons. If there are children involved they are the pawns. I know many do not agree but the vows we make before God when we marry ourselves, no not the minister, etc, should be enough to make you sober before you marry. In sickness and in health until death do us part had been the vows taken when you "married yourselves before God". Even these have been watered down to make it less oblagatory. True love and I say it again true love for another makes one feel the hurt in another and when we hurt someone we truly love we hurt worse then they or at lease we feel it. Leave out the love and we have anger. Anger leads to conflict, conflict to worse. Good job!Hello anonymous - so very true what you say. Thanks for sharing. God Bless to you! In Christ, Angie
I think young women and young men should be trained on how to choose a partner for marriage. Believe it or not, tons of people marry on impulse, great sex or for financial stability then they justify it to themselves that they're marrying for love. When the thrill is over, the marriage begins to fall apart. My advice to young men: don't marry a loser. You can't and won't change him. IF the guy can't hold a job/his own biz and take care of himself, he's gonna depend on you. If he does drugs, drinks beyond normal and is slob, that's it. Move on. For the young men: if the girl is slutty, she won't be faithful to you. Finally, never start having sex with someone who's had multiple partners without checking for AIDS and STDS. If you do, even if you wear condoms, you're risking your life and theirs. The best thing is to find someone who's faithful, morally clean and who's not sleeping around.Hello, I totally agree with you. I think that young couples should have some premarriage preparedness so they have an idea of what they are getting themselves into. Bing, wake up to reality. Many blessings to you and yours. Angie
Angie, this is a well-written article supported by the "marriage manual" — The Holy Bible. After being transformed by the renewing of my mind, I took a look back and asked forgiveness for taking the easy way out of marriage. If I knew then what I know now about love, I would have . . . The work that needed to be done on me was done but unfortunately he hasn't grown spiritually. In our case, I sincerely believe it was a matter of being unequally yoked. This article should help many couples. I think the first step is being selfless and not selfish. When each party can do that, the work can begin. Happy holidays to you and your family, Angie. Take special care.Hi Avis, I appreciate your comments and sharing. Many blessings to you and yours this holiday season! In Christ, Angie
Angie, If only more believed as you. I heard a great man once say that divorce would almost disapear if people focused more on the needs of others: spouse, sons, daughters, etc. How great a world this would be if more knew the secret to marriage, a Christ centered family. These families would create a greater and stronger foundation to this great nation. God bless. JeffJeff, That's it! You got it. we have to stop being selfish in our marriage and instead walk the teachings we have been blessed with from the beginning - learn to walk in selfless love, which is caring for the needs of others. Blessings, Angie
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