I Love You But I'm Not In Love With You Anymore
Posted: Monday, February 23, 2009
by Angie Lewis
Heaven Ministries
Has your spouse told you they weren't "in love" with you anymore? Well do I have news for you. The saying "I love you but I'm not in love with you anymore" is a worn out clich. It's not possible to "fall out of love" because you weren't "in love" to begin with. The excuse "I'm not in love with you anymore" is nonsensical. Let me tell you why.
The person who says "I'm not in love with you anymore" is searching for a feeling.
The marriage has stopped giving them a feeling they want and expect to have. It is an attitude that builds up after months and or years of a lifeless marriage a marriage that has no intimacy. This is why quality time spent together (intimacy) is more important than sex in a marriage. Not that sex isn't important, because it is, but that sex IS NOT INTIMACY. Sex may be a part of intimacy but it is not the whole picture.
Intimacy can be as simple as playing a board game or planting seeds together in your garden; or intimacy can be as complex as working together in a business or getting involved in a hobby with your spouse. But couples aren't doing any of these things together anymore! They have drifted apart, each doing their own thing. When couples stop doing things together they lose the intimate bond between them they once shared when they were first married.
"I'm not in love with you anymore" actually means "I don't feel close to you anymore".
Couples NEED to have an intimate attachment with one another for marriage to be healthy. If couples aren't getting their intimate needs met in the marriage they are more apt to seek it from somewhere else. Ironically, they could be trying to bring back intimacy with their spouse but don't know where to start, or perhaps they feel resentful or angry about something their spouse did, and so they never try to get close again.
If couples do not have a bond of intimacy with each other it is inevitable the relationship will have major problems and one or both spouses will feel they aren't "in love" anymore. The good news is you can perk up your marriage and reawaken intimacy by spending quality time together. Do stuff together! Stop behaving as if "she has her life" and "he has his life". You both have your lives with each other!
Express yourselves in nice ways and be good listeners. Be considerate and respectful of each other's feelings. Write down all the things you love about your spouse and put it under their pillow. Write down all the ways you can show your love. Be more willing to go the extra mile for your spouse. Be more loving and you will feel more loving!
Do not expect love to always feel like your first date; or the first time someone flirted with you; or that first puppy love feeling; or the way your coworker flirts with you. That's not love; that's desire and lust feelings. It's the euphoria of desire and emotions, which are fleeting moments. They are only temporary and mean nothing. They cannot fulfill your emotional holes.
What is lasting? What is lasting is the love you have for the person you married. Right now you have buried your love behind a wall of what you think love should feel like. Your attitude has literally controlled the way you think about your marriage and the person you married; the person you made a promise to love forever. I think its time you unbury that love, don't you?
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Are you having a hard time forgiving your spouse of adultery? Do you keep picturing your spouse with the other person? Do you not trust your spouse anymore? Is your marriage about to collapse? Is your spouse repentant for their infidelity? Then read Angie's book ADULTERY PANDEMIC. If you or your spouse have been unfaithful, this book will give you the understanding you need to heal yourself and restore your marriage.
To see book previews, please visit: http://stores.lulu.com/angielewis
For marriage resources: http://www.heavenministries.com
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Top-level comments on this article: (3 total)I don't agree with your idea that people say that are no longer "in love" as an excuse to cheat. I am no longer "in love" with my husband but will not have an affair.
My husband claims to be passionately "in love" with me and has.
I just don't have the strong passionate, romantic feelings for him I once had. I don't believe, however, that this lack of passion should win out over the vows I have made.My husband and I are trying to rebuild the passion I once had for him. Unfortunately, he is starting in the negative. We have a long way to go.Hello. Thank you for your comments. Marriage can be tough at times. May God give you the strength and faith to love one another until death do you part. You have the right attitude. May God bless you and your marriage.
IN Christ,
AngieYou may be in denial about yourself, because people usually do not respond when something does not apply to them, yet you defended yourself without reason to.
I've been struggling while I attempt to digest the "I'm not in love with you anymore" my wife dropped on me. I'm ashamed to say I did not see it coming which I realize doesn't speak well for my attention to my marriage. This article rings so true to me. It put in to words the feelings or rationalization I had for what's happened. I pray every night for my wife's heart to be opened to me becuase I feel she's shut it off to us. I have apologized for the poor behavior I displayed in the past and am working hard to be a positive, health, happy man, father, husband. Obviously, I'm still bewitched by her and hope to spend the remainder of my life with her if she's willing to "come home". My 9 and 5 year old boys, myself, and Jesus sound like a good team to work together on this problem.Good luck to everyone that keeps trying.
This is an informative interesting and important article for those couples who were married in true love. Unfortunately, not all marriages are made in true love, but for a myriad of other reasons-and sometimes in what is mistaken for true love. In these cases the advice here would not hold true- fortunately, for some, it will. Thank you- Always Ella
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