Married To A Bossy and Controlling Spouse
Posted: Wednesday, March 04, 2009
by Angie Lewis
Heaven Ministries
Are you married to a bossy or controlling spouse? Why do some couples control and boss each other around? People who control others with words, threats, fist, lies, and manipulative behavior usually have underlying insecurities within them. Perhaps they are usually afraid of losing something or someone. They have to get to the bottom of these insecurities to understand how to accept the things they cannot change and the courage to only change the things they can themselves.
The Bossy and Controlling Wife Most women need details, schedules, and organization in the home front and that is why women are good at managing the things of the home. But some wives go so far as detailing, scheduling, organizing and controlling their husbands. Wives are generally better at organizing and directing the kid's schedules, managing the cleaning, the budget, and overseeing the cooking, but she should not order her husband around. Sadly, wives don't realize they are doing this.
Some wives tell their husbands how to dress, what kind of job to have, how to talk to people, what friends to have, how to behave, how much money to spend, what to eat and when to eat it. He is so micromanaged that he feels smothered by his wife, but he doesn't really know what to do about it. Instead this type of guy stays out with his buddies a lot, or finds outside interests such as a hobby or sport to take up and is usually away from home when he is not working.
Wives don't realize that they are actually pushing their husbands away from them through their micromanaging. Women are great at managing the home front and every aspect of the home, including the kids, but when it comes to the man of the house, she should be a bit more meek and loving. The more a woman tries to control, boss, and or, change her husband, the more resentful he feels.
Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, of which he is the Savior. (Ephesians 5:22-23)
What does resentment do to a man? It can make him bitter and feel disrespect for the woman he married. Maybe he will try and seek a woman that will treat him like a man instead of a puppet. Many husbands don't speak up about how they feel. When husbands don't express themselves to their wives how can she know there is a problem? It's not that she doesn't want to accept her husband's administration but that the opportunity never presents itself for her to do so.
Most likely he is not leading the home in the manner in which God has shown him but in a manner that comes from his own understanding. And that is the whole problem in the marriage relationship. Couples absolutely NEED to respect each other and the God-given positions given to them. Let's not turn marriage upside down like the world is trying to do. Let's keep marriage the way God intended.
The Bossy and Controlling Husband Most men rely on their wives to take care of many aspects of the home except for if the roof needs repaired or if wood needs to be chopped, stuff like that. But some husbands micromanage how the wife is managing the home and he ends up being bossy and controlling doing it. Unless your wife is just a lazy slob who sits around on the couch watching soaps and eating bonbons all day, you need to leave her alone.
Husbands love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. (Ephesians 5:25) In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. (Ephesians 5:28)
A loving husband should not control his wife with strong words but be the man of his marriage. Controlling husbands usually feel insecure about their position as the man of the home. In many instances the wife is also bossy and controlling, which leaves him feeling devalued and under-appreciated. The more disrespected he feels the more controlling he gets. This is a vicious cycle in marriage, but it can be rectified when husbands take back what belongs to them their headship position in the marriage.
Apply the wisdom and understanding that God has given you. God has given you strength and courage to be the man of your home and marriage, and to love and protect your wife. Most women don't have a problem with their husbands being lovingly firm with them. But they do have a problem when their husbands demand, control, and boss them around for their own insecure reasons. Where is the wisdom in that?
The wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and insincere. (James 3:17)
If a husband has to control his wife for her to accept his masculine influence then something is askew with the relationship. Or maybe something is wrong with her attitude. In a healthy marriage a man shouldn't have to boss or control his wife in any way they should be communicating with each other instead. Use the wisdom God has given you and make it so your wife will want to support your guiding direction.
The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. (1 Corinthians 7:3)
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Angie Lewis is the author of six self-help inspirational books offering marriage tips and wisdom filled answers. Angie tackles such issues as addiction, adultery, pornography, emotions, beliefs, forgiveness, communication and even your health! If your marriage and your health are important to you, then you must check out Angie's books.
To preview these books go here: http://www.lulu.com/AngieLewis/
Marriage Resources-http://www.heavenministries.com/
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Top-level comments on this article: (1 total)Missing critical information - such as what constitutes control. When a husband does not act in ways considerate to his wife, or he does not act in loving ways toward his wife, it is a natural defense to be act out pain, this is not control. So I don't think this article is really descriptive of what is controlling vs hurt.Hello Angie,
Firstly, I am a male and I never respond to random blogs on the web so this is highly unusual for me but I felt I had to because...
I ended up on this site looking for some advice because of my marriage and certain control issues... I never expected to see that someone in this day and age would actually believe the BS in the bible that demeans women and puts them at a lower place than men which is only a consequence of the fact that the bible was written in the middle east and in a highly patriarchal era (and continues to be). Coincidentally, I have been reading the God Delusion by Richard Dawkins, and not withstanding the obvious that he is an atheist, his denouncement of references in the bible like the ones you have quoted and their elevation of men, I completely agree with.
Now, if I'm not wrong this was written by a woman (Angie) and I find this INCREDIBLY sad. I am quite outspoken for woman and when I see articles like this which encourage women to be inferior to men simply because 'God' said it should be according to an absolutely archaic and outdated text. Even though it makes sense that biologically, women are programmed to be better at managing the household and raising the family (I won't even touch evolution here), it is still a frustration to men that women can generally be quite domineering in the marriage...nonetheless, if women are supposed to take all instruction from the bible which categorically infers that men are 'superior', then what on earth position in the world can women hold.
I don't want to make assumptions about you, but clearly you are a church going person, but let me give you some food for thought. It may be convenient for you to take instruction from the bible because you're part of a church going community, but it would appear to me that either life has been good to you and you find solace in the bible and your parish and the sermons of your local priest or you perhaps have had a harder life and to some extent are an evangelist or born again, but there are people in the world who are suffering terribly and women who are being completely abused, victimised, mauled, poured acid on ... and I'm not saying that you would agree with these things simply because bible has made a hard stance on women and that it should be followed to the letter, I am sure you are more moderate than that...you seem like a decent person..
But... statements from the bible you have reference however 'moderate' they may seem are not moderate in effect and are open to translation. Women get abused and ill-treated because of the free license they give men to interpret as they wish.
You really should read the God Delusion and some of Christopher Hitchins comments on youtube. I'm not trying to convert you to an atheist (as I'm really agnostic and open minded). You should read it to understand why it is fraught with danger to be interpreting the bible they way you have.
This is not an advertisement either, so please don't misunderstand my intentions.
I am not interested in a debate on this, and I do not believe that I am absolutely correct on this matter but the bible was written in a time of unquestioned male domination, and in those parts of the world (for example Saudi Arabia) this has not changed and may not for another thousand years.
Please consider what I'm saying for your own development and consider that if you are teaching this to any young girls in your family.. it is only a matter of time before you regret it.
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