Is It Possible To Fall Out of Love With Your Spouse?

» left by Anonymous 2 years 314 days ago.

I find it hard to believe that such a wide brush can be used to paint anyone who no longer loves their spouse as selfish.

My wife and I have been together for 19 years. There have certainly been some wonderful years during that time but the last nine have been brutal to say the least. The never ending judgement of me, my family and my friends has grown old. We've tried over these last nine years to work out our differences. We've been to three different marriage counselors. I've followed their advice to give in to her wishes rather than to try and compromise so that both of our needs can be met. But you know what? It didn't work. Because at the end of the day, the sacrifices I've made haven't been good enough.

I guess I was naive to believe that my marriage would be like that of my parents. A committed relationship of mutual give and take and the understanding that we each have needs. I feel our marriage has been anything but that. Now don't get me wrong. My parents marriage is not perfect and I don't believe anyone's marriage is perfect. But they've worked hard and overcome challenges during their marriage. They have a mutual respect for one another. When I was born, my Mom was 16 and my Dad was 17. They've been married ever since and this year makes it 37 years. And honestly I think they're happier now than they have ever been.

So back to my marriage and the selfish notion that I'm no longer in love with my wife. I will always love my wife as she was, has been and hopefully always will be my friend, she's a good person and an exceptional mother to our children. We courted for nine years before we married, though we never lived together. I feel confident saying that after nine years, lust was not my motivation for marrying my wife and nor was it for her. We had dreams and plans. We wanted many of the same things in life. I felt we were a great match up. But over the course of our relationship things gradually started to deteriorate. Like all people we changed. But the changes divided us. Communication became non-existant; we lived in the same house but started living separate lives. Neither one of us feels like we know the other. The continued resentment I've felt over time has taken its toll on me emotionally. I no longer feel the emotional attachment that we once shared. I certainly don't feel the same as I did on our wedding day. The emotional erosion of my spirit has been damaging.

Love is a two way street. It's as plain and simple as that. If it isn't being given in both directions, love can fall out of favor. There are different levels or types of love. The love I had for my wife was not the same kind of love I have for my parents or friends. Love in a marriage is very special. I believe that's what people consider it to be when they say they are "in love." I've never ever heard of anyone saying I'm "in love" with my brother, sister or parents. I think it's ludicrous to imply that lust is always the motivation for being in love. In fact, prior to my wife, I had a few relationships that were based on lust and believe you me, I would have never said I was "in love." Love just wasn't there.

This state of emotion of not being "in love" with my wife was not something I planned and certainly not something I wanted for the future of my family. I never would have dreamed of this happening. It's absolutely horrible. I want nothing more than for things to be like they used to be. It has nothing to do with physical pleasure and everything to do with emotional fulfillment, mutual respect, and the need to be accepted for who I am.

So, you can go ahead and step up to the lecturn and preach to me and throw at me every scripture you can to prove what a terrible and sinful person I am and how "holier than thou" you are because you walk in the steps of Christ. Will it be helpful? No. Do I believe that to be a favorable approach from a Christian? No. Because in the end, it's not you, a fellow sinner, whose judgement of my thoughts and actions I hold to be of any worth. Only God, our Father, has the right to determine my sins and failures.

I posted this because I felt your judgement to be unfair, unrealistic and completely self righteous. If you want to preach to your fellow brothers and sisters and be a fishermen of men like Jesus, I don't think the net your casting is going to be very effective.

God Bless You Always

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» left by eli 2 years 268 days ago.

Anonymous, but what you are saying doesn't contradict the author. The author states that if you fall in out of love, it's because you are not making some sort of effort...

 

marriage counsellors are not going to bring back those feelings of love magically. those 'emotional feelings' aren't real love. real love is based on understanding and is not conditional.

 

But - one good point you make is that it takes 2 to tango. And both have to be in on it. As soon as one looks for something else, it falls for both... If you still would love and do anything for your ex, then you have real love for her. If you truly believe you really love her, then I woud probably question her own love. (note i said love and not feelings).

 

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