How Can I Love My Unbelieving Spouse?
Posted: Monday, December 07, 2009
by Angie Lewis
Heaven Ministries
Did you know that God commands that believers marry in the Lord? If a believer marries a non-believer the marriage could possibly weaken the Christian commitment of the believer. Even so, some Christians marry unbelievers because love has blinded them.
Some Christians believe they can change their spouse to be what they want them to be once they are married, but that is not true at all. In fact a person has to be willing to change for themselves, and not for anyone else
If you recently have become a believer and your spouse has not, or if you married an unbeliever in err, you are obligated to remain married to them. Marriage is designed to be permanent even through the tough times, such as being married to an unbeliever.
And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. (1 Corinthians 7:13)
If you are married to someone who doesn't believe in Jesus Christ as his or her personal savior, it can be a very difficult time. You have to be strong for them, yourself, and for God. Be the believer for your spouse, but be careful that you do not undermine your own faith because of your spouse's unbelief.
But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances. (1 Corinthians 7:15)
The above scripture is letting the believer know they are not bound to try and keep the unbeliever with them but it doesn't say anything about remarriage. That's because remarriage to someone else for either spouse would be committing adultery. (Matthew19-9) (Matthew5-32) (1 Corinthians 7-39) (Romans 7:2)
Belief in God is not something that happens because you "go to church" or because you "eat a bite of bread" and "drink some grape juice". These practices are religious rituals that are fine to carry out and experience but they can't save your soul.
And anyone who does not take up his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. (Matthew 10: 38)
True belief in Christ means action. The only thing that will "save you" (preserve your soul) is "taking up your own cross and following Jesus Christ". Going to church is not taking up your cross and following Jesus Christ and never should be mistaken as such.
We can certainly talk a good talk and tell others what good Christians we are, but if our actions say something different won't that confuse our unbelieving spouse? Of course it will. Taking up your cross simply means to die to your sinful and selfish lifestyle. It means you have let go of the old behavior and attitudes that kept you a slave to your sins. It is a rebirth in Jesus Christ.
To put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires, to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness. (Ephesians 4:22-23)
Are you reborn a new person in Christ? Do you love your unbelieving spouse unconditionally or are you resentful and bitter inside? We have to be careful how we as believers betray ourselves to others, especially to those who have not accepted the Lord for their life. Are we helping our spouse accept Christ or are we discouraging them?
Whoever does not love does not know God because God is love. (1 John 4:8)
Are you constantly asking your spouse to go to church with you and they refuse because they don't get anything out of "going to church"? Perhaps you should research going to other Christian churches in your area, or simply begin a bible study session in your home and ask your friends and family to join in.
Many times when one accepts Christ for their life they must overcome personal issues within them. These issues will dampen their relationship with Christ. The best way to help your spouse come to Christ is to not behave self-righteous and talk down to them. The more you behave with a "holier than thou attitude" the more your spouse will run from whatever you have to say.
Instead "show" your spouse Christ's principles working in you through your actions. You don't have to say anything to them. Let them see. Be an encourager and a friend. Be doers of The Word and be the church for your spouse. God's people worship in Spirit and in Truth. Belief, faith, and trust must have hands and feet. God's people are the hands and feet of God.
Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. (James 1:22)
Check out Angie and Frank's Marriage Ministry
http://www.heavenministries.com
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Top-level comments on this article: (3 total)Non believers go to the exact same Heaven after death that religious zealots go to, and there's the rub!If God can accept them then you can certainly love and marry them; you sound like Moses who told the ancient Israelites:"Do NOT go into other peoples" (at the same time that Moses had a black Ethiopian wife), when you quote;"Do not be yoked together with unbelievers."Holy smokes!When Aaron and Miriam chastized Moses for this blatant hypocrisy, "God" spoke through the Ark(like the real God of the Universe really needs an electronic telephone device) and summoned them back only to give Miriam leprosy as an un Godly' retort to her complaint.One must recognize that those books aren't NFL rulebooks and God doesn't mark off religious yardage towards heavenly touchdowns with religious rules!Jesus loved everyone as everyone is a child of God.I would respectfully say that as long as they're not preaching atheism to children they're the marrying kind; if your churchly fervor rubs off on him or just rubs him the wrong way, you still do love him.After all God through Jesus taught us that love is the most important element in the periodical table of ideas.Paul, I am coming into this with a whisper here...God had a purpose for saying what he did about being unequally yoked. Believe me, I was for 12 years and not by choice - I came to Jesus after I married.And he left 12 years later.But let me pose a question: if I were "going" with a gay.... how could we "go together" if I was going one way and he was going another way? If I belong to the Lord and am "going with" him - I am not going to be going the same direction as an unbeliever....the Lord isn't trying to be a great cosmic kill joy here but trying to save grief and heart ache - marriage is already majorly difficult - why set yourself up for more problems?Where is your basis for believing that non-believers go to heaven?Just trying to get and give some clarification here....MarijoIn the comment below there is a typo - it should read "going" with a GUY - not gay....Marijo
Hi Angie, there is some good and pratical advice here. I was married to a non believer for 11 years, however we were both non believers when we married. That is a whole other issue. I just have two little things - the believing spouse in not bound under the rules of marriage if the non believer leaves. I have studied this to mean, that they are free to remarry because they did not leave the marriage themselves. Therefore they are not bound. And the unbelieving spouse is dead in their sin. I have seen several cases where the woman was deceived, the husband later did not want any part of his Christian spouse, she counciled with the pastor and he also agreed she was not bound by the marriage laws. Anyway, just another perspective. Paul does not say she cannot remarry in this case. Only says if she does, she should try to reconcile with the one she already had. The second thing is you said we need to be careful on how we "betray" ourselves to non believers. I think you meant to say "portray" :) May the Lord continue to bless the work of your hands. Love in Jesus, TeresaHi Teresa,It is good to hear from you and thanks for reading my article. I do appreciate your study on this scripture and I have also done a thorough study...Marriage is for better or worse. Maybe the "worse" part is when your spouse falls away from God, but you are still married. Marriage does not end because times are rough.God instituted marriage as a lifetime commitment. And it has been that way from the beginning. We become one flesh when we enter into the sacred institution of marriage. We are joined into wedlock until one partner dies. Only God can end marriages through death (Romans 7:2). Man cannot separate what God has joined (Matthew 19:6).This is a hard word. When the apostles heard Christ's word on marriage, they said, "then it is better not to marry" (Matthew 19:10). I don't think the apostles would have said that, if Jesus' teaching had all the modern-day escape clauses. In reality, there is no escape from marriage, just as there is no escape from Christ.If you are married to an unbeliever, but they are willing to live with you, you are not to obtain a divorce (1 Corinthians 7:12-13). If the unbeliever departs, let them go. You are not forced to live with them (1 Corinthians 7:15). However, nowhere in scripture does it say that once they have departed, you are free to marry another.Blessings,AngiePS you're right about the typo--thanks! :-)I battled with this for a time for sure - then a fellow YWAMer drove over an hour and a half because the Lord nudge him about sharing a book with me - it is called Divorce and Remarriage by Guy Duty (I think) it was in the apendix that he went into the legalities from a Jewish standpoint about Jewish contractual law... it was interesting and totally set me free. The only thing I found myself disagreeing with this author on was adultery - he said once adultery is committed that you are mandated to divorce ad the covenent is broken (and I can't spell today) I think there is definitely room for forgiveness and allowing the Lord to heal both parties in that marriage. I guess we couldn't probably find a more discussed topic in Christiandom than divorce... I am writing and posting - just haven't gotten back to the one in Intimacy yet - what with Katy kitty dying etc. MarijoHi Angie, I agree in every way with you and the word of God, I just don't see how the marriage bond applies when a non-believing spouse leaves you. I don't see how God would condemn a woman who remarries a man of God that she knows God has brought her. Case in point, Marijo's comment. She broke no bonds - now she has an amazing husband who loves the Lord and they are equally yoked. How is it that she is in sin? I am not talking about leaving the marriage of the believer's choice. Here is how I read it,"But if the unbeliever departs, let him depart; a brother or sister is not under bondage in such cases. But God has called us to peace" 1 Cor 7:15What is this "bondage" that Paul speaks of? It is the bondage spoken of in Romans about being bound until death of a spouse. Or maybe you could help me then, what "bondage" are they not under, what do you believe Paul mean by this? It has to mean more than not living with them, that is obvious because you have no choice. They decided that for you. Thanks for your input. I don't run across to many Christians that believe as you, so I always try to get some insight when I do. And this is the only situation where I believe this is the exception as Paul says "in this case", otherwise it would be adultery. Thanks again :-)Hi Teresa,Teresa you surprise me. Not because you disagree but because you are putting words into my mouth. I did not say that Marijo or anyone else was "in sin"—where is that coming from? I merely teach others the Word of God revealed to me. Judgment is not my job. I understand you are probably confused. Many people are on many different areas of scripture, not just on marriage and remarriage.And I would never judge Marijo or anyone else. I also really dislike discord among Christians but if I do not teach what I know and stay silent what kind of a steward would I be for Jesus Christ? I am called to teach and encourage others. I didn’t choose to be a writer for God, He chose me.How many married couples do you think, who are still married to their first spouse are encouraged to hear that their marriage is considered to be for life? A lot! How many couples do you think decide to work on their marriage after understanding the scriptures with its full understanding?I did not understand the scriptures as I do now when I first accepted Jesus Christ into my life. I believed what I was taught in church. All of the churches I have ever been to but one has taught the same thing about marriage. I thought that the churches couldn’t be getting it wrong…But slowly, more and more was revealed to me such as the clause below in Matthew 19:9The bible tells us over and over again that a woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. I’m not “saying” this, it is the Word of God is. When couples become ONE FLESH through marriage and then separate and join with another, God calls it adultery over and over again. (Romans 7:2-3)Therefore, what God has joined together LET MAN NOT SEPARTE (Matthew 19:4-6)God made marriage ONE FLESH for life because He seeks Godly offspring. (Malachi 2:14-16)Are there exceptions to marriage law?And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his WIFE, EXCEPT IT BE FOR FORNICATION, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery. Matthew 19:9Does Matthew 19:9 allow a man to divorce his wife if she commits adultery?No. The New Testament gives no grounds for divorce. When Jesus made an exception to the marriage law at Matthew 5:32 and 19:9, it was for a betrothed wife, not a real wife.Betrothed wifeTo understand why the word WIFE is used at Matthew 5:32 and 19:9, we need to know a little about Jewish customs because Matthew was writing to a Jewish audience. Jews had a social practice called "BETROTHAL," which is similar to engagement today. Betrothal starts when a couple agrees to give themselves to each other in marriage and ends in the actual marriage. Jewish betrothal is different from modern-day engagement in one significant way. Once a couple was betrothed, they were regarded by the rest of society as "one flesh" and were called husband and wife. Usually within a year to eighteen months after becoming betrothed, the couple consummated the marriage.In modern society during the period of engagement, if the couple change their minds, they break up and start over again. In Jewish society, however, once a couple is betrothed, they could not just call it quits. A betrothed couple in Jewish society had to obtain a LEGAL DIVORCE. Even though they were only engaged and had never lived together as man and wife, they were considered married and must get a divorce if they wanted to separate. This custom can be proved from the scriptures.Mary is called "wife"Look at Matthew 1:18-20 and 24-25. Here is a passage most of us have read many times and possibly missed a powerful truth that reveals this Jewish custom. Notice that Joseph and Mary are called HUSBAND and WIFE, even though they were only betrothed or engaged:Now the birth of Jesus Christ was on this wise; When as his mother Mary was ESPOUSED (engaged) to Joseph, before they came together, she was found with child of the Holy Ghost. Then Joseph HER HUSBAND, (espoused, but called husband) being a just man, and not willing to make her a public example, was minded to put her away privily. (literally, divorce her)Notice that even though they had not yet consummated the marriage, Joseph was considering divorcing Mary.But while he thought on these things, behold, the angel of the Lord appeared unto him in a dream, saying, "Joseph, thou son of David, fear not to take unto thee MARY, THY WIFE: for that which is conceived in her is of the Holy Ghost."Then Joseph being raised from sleep, did as the angel of the Lord had bidden him and took unto him HIS WIFE: and KNEW HER NOT till she had brought forth her firstborn son; and she called his name Jesus.Jesus, being raised in Jewish society, was aware of this Jewish custom of being considered husband and wife during the betrothal period. Matthew records this special provision, not as a universal exception, but only as a clarification to the Jews concerning the betrothal relationship. The exception is for a betrothed couple when FORNICATION is committed BEFORE their marriage vows make them one flesh for life. The principle of the permanency of marriage that Jesus teaches applies only to those who have consummated their marriage, not to those who are merely betrothed.No exception in parallel passagesWith this understanding of Jewish custom, Matthew 5:32 and 19:9 concur with the other parallel passages of Luke 16:18 and Mark 10:11. If we take out the "EXCEPT IT BE FOR FORNICATION" clause, then Matthew 19:9 is almost identical to Luke 16:18:Whosoever shall put away his wife and shall marry another, committeth adultery; and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery. (Matthew 19:9 with fornication clause removed).Whosoever putteth away his wife, and marrieth another, committeth adultery: and whosoever marrieth her that is put away from her husband committeth adultery. Luke 16:18Matthew 19:9 appears to make an exception to the marriage covenant that is not made in the parallel passages at Mark 10:11 and Luke 16:18. But when the passage is viewed without the exception clause, it harmonizes with the rest of the New Testament teachings on marriage.Fornication vs adulteryAnother reason we know the exception clause is referring to a BETROTHED WIFE and not a real wife, is that Jesus makes the exception for FORNICATION, not for adultery. FORNICATION is illicit sex between an UNMARRIED couple. If Jesus was referring to a real wife, why didn't He say "except it be for adultery"?The word translated "fornication" is "porneia" in Greek. "Porneia" generally means illicit sexual relations between an UNMARRIED couple. If a real wife were unfaithful, she would commit adultery, not fornication.The modern translations sometimes confuse the issue because they translate the Greek word PORNEIA not as fornication, but as the general term "sexual immorality." However, none of the modern translations we have seen translate PORNEIA as adultery.If Jesus meant to say adultery is grounds for divorce, why wasn't a derivative of the Greek word "Moichao" used? That is the word translated as adultery in the same verse. "Moichao" (adultery) occurs when a married person violates wedlock.Let us assume that fornication means adultery in Matthew 5:32 and 19:9. Then we could assume that if a spouse commits adultery, it is grounds for divorce and subsequently, remarriage. But how can this be? It flies in the face of what Jesus and Apostle Paul speak about so clearly elsewhere in the New Testament. Earlier in Matthew, Chapter 19, verse 6, Jesus says that a man and woman are joined as one flesh and no man can divide them. To seek a divorce, is to allow a man to separate what God has put together. Both Jesus and Apostle Paul teach that those who divorce and marry another commit adultery. Once the marriage has been consummated, there are no escape clauses. Marriage is until death do you part.Only death ends marriagePaul confirms Jesus' teaching of being one flesh for life by saying in effect:If you separate, stay single or reunite with your only spouse, for if you do remarry before your partner dies, you are an adulterer or an adulteress; and adulterers SHALL NOT INHERIT THE KINGDOM OF GOD. (See 1 Corinthians 6:9-10 and 7:11)When one becomes a eunuch, he cannot go back to his former state. When one marries, they cannot go back to the unmarried state. Marriage is permanent. No wonder Christ's disciples said to Him, "If such is the case of the man with his wife, it is better not to marry" (Matthew 19:10).Does Jesus allow a man to divorce his wife because of adultery? No, the scripture remains true, the only way out of marriage is death.For the woman which hath an husband is bound by the law to her husband so long as he liveth; but if the husband be dead, she is loosed from the law of her husband. So then if, while her husband liveth, she be married to another man, she shall be called an adulteress: but if her husband be dead, she is free from that law; so that she is no adulteress, though she be married to another man. Romans 7:2-3Marriage is not created to be a 5, 10 or 30-year commitment. God designed marriage for a lifetime commitment. God’s teachings are not something that just because we disagree with certain scripture we can put aside. God’s teachings are there to show us the right way for Christian living and they are there for our own discipline so we may serve Him in righteousness and love. I will not be going back and forth with you on this subject. May God Bless you and your familyIN Christ,AngieHi Angie, You missunderstood, and I obviosly did not say it right, I in no way intended to put words in your mouth. I am sorry it came out that way. I am glad it surprised you, because I woud never do that intentionally. I completely agree with everything you said here, 100% and I don't want to go back and forth either, I was just hoping you would explain to me what Paul means by "not under bondage in such cases". Yet you did not do that. But that's okay, because we are sisters in Christ, on the same side to do the will of our Father who called us to teach. I feel the same, I did not choose to write and teach, God chose me. In this we are in agreement and I for one would never want to be know as one who causes discord among the brethren. Hopefully someday, someone will be able to explain that to me. We study the same Scriptures, but have a different perspective when it comes to the unbelieving spouse leaving. In every other way, I teach and counsel the same way as you. Blessings to you and keep on doing the work of the ministry. :-)Hi Teresa,Without doing the study myself "bondage" means a slave to sin... For instance once a person gives up a sin they are not in bondage to it anymore. Or they are not a slave to it anymore. The KJV does use the word "bondage" in the scripture 1 Corinthians 7:15 and the Strongs bible concordance references it to being a servant. Married couples are to serve one another in the Lord-that is what love is all about. Well, not under bondage anymore would mean not to serve them (the unbeliever) any longer--let them go!
Therefore this scripture about a brother or sister not under bondage of the believer simply means let them leave--let them go--don't undermine your own beliefs to 'stay with a unbeliever". Stop serving them. Stop being under bondage.
But still no where in scriptures does it say that the believer can remarry.If remarriage was ok, why does it not say it, not once, not even one time in the bible about being married to someone else while your first spouse is still alive?
The complete and thorough study of this subject will be added to our website as an e-book soon.May God Bless,In Christ,Angie
The only question I have is why can't we give a rare few pieces a perfect TEN? O hear what Teresa is saying. I was an unbeliever and married to another unbeliever and then a year later got saved. It ended in divorce - he left BUT God is able and healed me. I have been married to a believer for almost 25 years now. MarijoHi Marijo,How are you doing? I know that you are busy writing!! Thanks for reading and commenting...you are such a dear.Blessings,:-) Angie
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